


The Burglar and the Blacksmith: A Hobbit's Soap Opera

by Lil_Lola_Blue



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, Fem! Bilbo Baggins, Gen, POV Female Character, bagginshield
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-02 23:56:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6588466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lil_Lola_Blue/pseuds/Lil_Lola_Blue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once, Belladonna Baggins dreamed that she would have a great adventure, but as she passed through her tweens, that dream faded. However, when Gandalf the Grey came to Bella's door offering her the opportunity to fulfill that dream, how could she say no? What the Baggins of Bag End never expected was that she had a Took's courage, a Took's cleverness, and a Took's valiant heart. What Bella did know, however, was that she had a Took's libido, and a weakness for burly, hairy, macho Dwarves. Will Bella find true romance with gallant, handsome, reckless Kili? Or have a truly good time with mad, merry Jack the Lad Fili? Or will she fall for the mean, moody and magnificent Thorin, harder than she ever expected a Baggins could? Can she save the Heirs of Durin from their terrible fate, or has the die in this universe, too, been cast?t? Sex, sin and suds lie ahead for Belladonna Baggins, as well as the greatest adventure, on her way there, and back again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Life Begins At Forty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Belladonna Baggins gives and unexpected party, and discovers that Thorin Oakenshield is quite and unexpected party, indeed. Also in which Bella prove her mettle with fisticuffs, and discovers that among Dwarves, one's hairstyle is a deeply personal thing.

 

** Chapter One  Life Begins At Forty. **

Before I tell you the whole story, from top to toes, I think I had better tell you why I am so angry with Thorin, and why, whether he is alive or dead, I know I can never forgive him.

And yes, I don’t know if he is alive or dead, and I refused as he lay in his tent, possibly dying, to even speak to the man.

Anger I can get over.

Tooks have hot tempers, but our anger never lasts; we Hobbits are not the sort to hold grudges, and Bagginsises are very level-headed.

My anger at Thorin has long-since faded.

But my heart is still shattered; I don’t think it can ever be repaired.

Though I had a gentleman friend here, in the Shire, I don’t think I was ever really in love with Bertie.

Such a furious, disorderly emotion was not part and parcel of being the Baggins of Bag End, and I was thirty and seven when I left for my journey and twenty- and seven when I became the Baggins of Bag End.

But my feelings for Thorin were both furious and disorderly; I lost my heart to him without even realizing that I had.

And he shattered it.

I can never forgive him for that, whether the mean old bastard is dead or alive, and I can never give him a chance to do it again.

I am sure if I have to suffer anything like the violent and abrupt loss, not so much of the love of a man I had come to trust, but the loss of his trust, and his faith?

It would kill me.

And thought once I was willing to die for Thorin Oakenshield, whether I still love him or not?

I am not willing to die for him, now.

* * *

 

                                                                        ***

Hobbits had a saying.

“Life begins at 40.”

Considering you were out of your tweens at thirty and three, it was a sensible saying, but, in many ways, Belladonna Baggins felt as if her life was already over, and she was only thirty and nine.

Now when she was in her late tweens, well, she was a rather carefree girl, with her little job as an historian and librarian at the great library in Michael Delving, and a comfortable Hobbit hole and so on.

She had a fellow from Crickhollow that she would meet, in. Michael Delving.

What Mum and Da and all of Hobbiton didn’t know, well, it wouldn’t hurt them, like that other saying says.

But.

When Bella was thirty and three, her father, Bungo, died unexpectedly.

And Mrs. Belladonna Baggins, the former Belladonna Took, returned to her family home in Tuckborough.

She expected Bella to let Bag End go to the Sackville-Bagginses, and to go with her, but Bella was made of sterner stuff.

The younger Belladonna was a Took, true, but she was also a Baggins, of Bag End, and she wasn’t going anywhere.

Of course, being Bungo’s heir and the lady of the house put a good bit more responsibility on her shoulders than most men had at her age.

And Bertie, who had been content to be just her fella when she was just a librarian wasn’t so content now that she was the Baggins of Bag End.

All of the sudden, he wanted to get married.

Now, Bertie Brandybuck was also a Took, on his mother’s side, his maternal grandmother was a Took,  but from a branch of the family distant enough from hers that they were barely even removed cousins.

Besides, his father was a Dwarf, and though the Tooks and the Dwarves of the Blue Mountains were allies, Bella wasn’t related to any Dwarves, in the least.

Therefore, no one in Bella’s family, or Bertie’s, for that matter, even on the Dwarf side, objected to the idea.

Except for Bella.

It was quite obvious to her that it was the money he was after, for Bertie hadn’t a cent to his name and was no better off than he ought to have been.

Not to mention being Mr. Brandybuck, of Bag End.

It was quite a blow, as Bertie wasn’t just her fella, he had always been her closest friend.

She couldn’t really blame Bertie, he was a poor man, from a poor family, with many mouths to feed, but she couldn’t quite forgive him, either.

It was all too much like a betrayal.

Belladonna Took insisted that her daughter was just being paranoid, and that Bungo had left plenty of money to go around.

That was true.

And Belladonna did not believe, not for a moment that big, bluff, beardy Bertie, as ginger, genial and good-natured a man as there ever was, had any ill intentions at heart.

Which was also true.

But, it wasn’t about the money, or Bertie’s intentions.

It was about her father’s name, and her father’s legacy.

Bella was THE Baggins, of Bag End.

She would not allow anyone to compromise that, not even Bertie.

Besides, he knew her better than anyone; he ought to have known better.

But, after Bertie came the deluge.

The suitors came out of the woodwork and it wasn’t that men had never been interested in Bella, she was no less merry, busty, and pretty than any Hobbit lass, and her Mum, who really liked to put on the dog, was once said to be the prettiest girl in Tuckborough.

Maybe even in all the Shire.

And Buckland.

Bella looked more the part of a Took than a Baggins.

She had a pixieish cast to her face, and was a bit exotic, of some dusky dark haired shade of that Morquiendi woman who was aid to be at the bottom of the Tooks’ lineage.

But now that she had Bag End and money?

There was no telling who wanted to buy her a pint or go to the fair with her, or see her to the Green Dragon and back again because he liked her, or because he wanted to be the Master of Bag End.

So, Bella stopped going around with any fellow.

Even Bertie.

Well, Bertie wasn’t so easily deterred.

Dwarves are very stubborn.

He would occasionally come creeping around in the wee hours of the morning, sneak in through Bella’s kitchen door, or a window around the back of the house.

Either of which she habitually, but absentmindedly, not intentionally, mind you, left open.

But that was neither here nor there.

Because Bella also had great responsibilities, in the community, with being the master of Bag End.

Which meant that all those dreams of someday going to Rivendell,  for a position in Lord Elrond’s great library, or of seeing the Misty Mountains for herself?

Alas, they faded.

To the point where the only time she ever mentioned them was to Bertie, when she was making breakfast for them at five in the morning, so he could go out the way he’d come in before anyone, especially her, was the wiser.

Bertie thought she was being too conservative.

Or as he once put it, too much responsibility at her age, and the shock of Bungo’s death had made her “mad as a cave troll with battle shock” and “melancholy as an Elf’s wife.”

He thought she ought to just ask the Gamgees to look after the place for a bit, and go on her journey.

But, here was Gandalf, again, good old Gandalf, and just when she thought any chance at any of the things that gave her Tookish heart joy and her Baggins head worries were gone, here he was.

And it was, admittedly, a good morning.

Bella puffed on her pipe.

"Well?" Gandalf insisted.

"I can't say I'm too old. But I'm afraid to, you know. To go on some adventure. Perhaps, ten years ago, I would have jumped at the chance. I don't know, Mr. Gandalf. Why don't you come back tonight, and we'll talk, again."

* * *

 

                                                                        ***

Bella looked upon the crowd of men, noisily celebrating around her table.

Thoughtfully.

"A penny for your thoughts, Miss Baggins?" Gandalf asked.

"Well, I was the fool who invited you to come back, didn't I?"

"Your thoughts about the Company."

"Oh. Well, that first fella who came to the door, the big, fierce one? Mr. Dwalin, I think. He's quite an interesting fella. And those two merry lads, Fili and Kili? I think I'll go and sit with them. So many men, Mr. Gandalf! Where did you meet all these fellas?"

Gandalf chuckled.

"Your Bertie would certainly get his nose out of joint, seeing you entertaining this lot."

“And just what do you know about my Bertie?”

“As much as Belladonna Took can tell me.”

“Well, you and Mum, you always were thick as thieves. But, then again, Bertie might know some of these fine fellows. He and his Da visit the Blue Mountains, a few times a year. I miss Bertie. I should invite him lover. I mean, over.”

Bella was still thinking about inviting Bertie to dinner, but there was a big to-do when the Dwarf chieftain arrived.

Bella, being a Took, had of course heard of Thorin Oakenshield; he was a friend of her grandfather, The Old Took, but he hadn't been in the Shire for many years, so long that Bella couldn't recall what he looked like.

She pictured a stately old man with a long white beard.

He was neither old, white-haired, or stately.

"Is that him, Mr. Gandalf! I know that fella,  but I've never seen him in such fine clothes! That's the Master Blacksmith who comes to the square in Hobbiton, for the four yearly festivals, when we have the great market! He's the King of the Dwarves?"

"King Under the Mountain, Bella."

"Oh, I could tell you what he's king of, and under, Mr. Gandalf, and it isn't a mountain! He's King Under the Skirts, that's what! Especially when it comes to Tookish women. My father wouldn't let me go to the market without him, or one of my Tookish uncles, from when I was 14, onwards. Everybody knows about the Master Blacksmith. You know, he wanted to take my Mum away to the Blue Mountains with him, she says. But he wasn't talking about marriage, so she wasn't going."

Gandalf suppressed a laugh.

"You don't say, Bella?"

"I do say, Gandalf! Well, you must know all about it. But it's no wonder. Look at him. He's like a bull in a blacksmith's apron. Walks around in that apron, and breeches, and boots, all burly and sooty and hairy and fierce, sweating and throwing heavy tools about, swearing like a pirate! Best-looking man I've ever seen. He can’t be Thorin Oakenshield. Can he?"

Bella was surprised, though, the way the Master Blacksmith took on, all high and mighty, like.

But she supposed he had to, being in charge, and all, and it was no wonder that Fili and Kili were such handsome lads; they were his sister sons.

For his part, though, Mr. Thorin was not too happy about the proposal that a Tookish lass, barely of age, was Gandalf's idea of his burglar.

For her part, Bella was not too happy about the terms of her contract.

"Funeral expenses? And I'm to steal from, as Mr. Bofur said, a furnace with wings? And just what is it all you fellas want with a woman on a long journey? I hope you don't think I'll be entertaining the lot of you! Indeed, if I'm expected to, then, you boys had better think about giving me a little extra payment, at the end!"

Balin looked shocked, Bofur and Nori and Dwalin all started to laugh, and Fili threw his purse onto the table.

"Take it! And all my share of the treasure, Miss Baggins. You are worth the whole ocean of my great-grandfather's gold." Fili said.

"Oh, I like him, he's full of…well, I’ll say beans, but you all know what I’m thinking." Bella replied.

Balin was too shocked to say anything.

“Miss Baggins, I can assure you that the last sort of person I wanted to bring on this expedition is a woman-“ Thorin began.

“That’s not what I’ve heard about him.” Bella commented to Bofur.

She had been sitting beside him, and still was.

Thorin ignored her.

“—but if you must come with us—“

“That’s what she’s worried about, Thorin.” Bofur piped up.

Thorin ignored him, too.

“—then I can assure you that we are not contracting your services as a prostitute. Now, if you should become attached to one of us, along the way, I would remind that man that Miss Baggins is of the Clan Took, our allies, and that he should treat you with the utmost respect. And if he doesn’t, he should know that he’ll be going right home, to a wedding, here in the Shire and here he will stay, with his wife and his child, and there will be no feckin’ negotiation on that point!”

Thorin looked right at Fili while he spoke.

“Not to say, Miss Baggins that you are that sort of woman. But much can happen, on a long journey, far from home. Even a good woman, with property, can find herself getting into trouble, when circumstances are fearful, in unfamiliar places that are unsafe. That is the chief reason why I think that we shouldn’t have a woman along—“

“Mr. Thorin, I’m not some silly little fool, and I’m not likely to tumble into the blankets with a perfect stranger, just because I get a little spooked. And, I hate to be indelicate, but I’ve got one of those little bags around my neck, under my shirt, that you have, and it has the same thing in it. Just in in case I do find myself getting attached to one of you. So, if we could stop talking about me as if I were nothing but a baby factory of loose morals and fuzzy ideas on any possibility of preventing pregnancy,  I’ll listen to Mr. Thorin’s further objections.” Bella interrupted.

“For one thing, girl, you’re awfully impertinent.  For another, I don’t need the services of a librarian, or an historian. And then, there’s the matter of combat. What’s your weapon? Axe or sword?” Thorin demanded.

“Mithril steel knuckle dusters, Mr. Thorin.”

“Mithril steel what?” Thorin snorted.

“Mithril steel knuckle dusters. Here.”

Bella took them out of a pouch on her belt, put them on her hands, and assumed a fighter’s stance.

“Are you a fighter, then, Little Miss Took?” Bofur teased.

“Actually, I am. When I was younger, I was small, even for a Hobbit and bullies used to beat up on me. So my Uncle Izzy, Isengrim Took, he taught me to fight. I forgot all about such things after I got out of school, but after my father died, I started getting these horrid fits of temper. I’d just get in a black mood and blow up. So  I decided to take up boxing. It’s fine exercise, and it sent my black moods away. It was Uncle Izzy who had the brass knuckles made for me, by the Master Blacksmith of the Blue Mountains.  Your Mr. Thorin. You see, I often have to travel, for my job, sometimes even to Bree,  for my work, and my family  wanted me to be safe. I only had to use them once. Some thugs tried to rob me outside the Prancing Pony. I put my hands in this pouch like I was going to give them money, and instead they got a few lefts and the odd right or two. The one fellow dropped onto the ground, the other ran away and I ran for the barn and my pony and made a fast getaway.”

“Are there a lot of lady Hobbits who box?”  Dwalin asked.

“There’s only one more, besides me. My cousin, Marigold Brandybuck, in Buckland. So most of my matches have been with men. Other Hobbits, mind you. But no one taller than me, or much heavier, so we are well matched. It's all in fun, you know, just for the sport of it! I don’t like to brag, but you are talking to the grand champion of the Shire. And Buckland. Six years running. I also have a small dagger that Uncle Izzy gave me, which I keep secreted upon my person. I’ve never had to use that.”

“Would you fight an orc with your mithril-steel knuckle dusters, burglar?” Thorin insisted.

“Well, I’d rather not. But I would if I had to. Do they keep their bollocks in the same place as men do, Mr. Thorin?”

“Yes.” Thorin replied.

Trying not to laugh.

“Oh, well, in that case, it shouldn’t be a problem. One shot in what Da used to call the family jewels, and your man might be a Hobbit or a cave troll, he’s not going anywhere.” Bella said, cheerfully.

She shadowboxed with the air, a little.

Dwalin got up from the table and held his huge hands up, in front of her.

“They’ve got studs on them, on every knuckle,  too!  You did some fine work, Thorin! These are like a small version of the armor you made for me hands.  Take those off, burglar, and let’s see what you’ve got.”

Dwalin went from being amused to being impressed.

He taught young men and women how to fight; he could see that the Hobbit had some skill.

“Good. Now, let’s see if you can block a punch…good, but you might miss this…oho, no, you’re a good little fighter, aren’t you? But keep your other fist up, protect your face…”

“Alright, Drillmaster, the Hobbit has made her point! We’ll have plenty of time for you to train her.” Thorin interrupted.

“I’ll show you how to use that dagger, burglar. You might become quite a dangerous woman.” Dwalin chuckled.

“Now that sounds more like it.” Bella agreed.

She put her knuckle dusters away, and sat back down.

“Well, fisticuffs aside, this is no simple ride to Bree and back, my girl. We won’t be staying at inns, or eating five meals a day. And I can’t spare a man to escort you home if you find you’re not up to the challenge.”

“Oh, that’s alright. I can just ride to the next town, and post a letter to Bertie. He’s a travelling man, he’ll come and escort me home. At least I think he will.”

“Who’s Bertie?” Thorin snorted.

“Dagobert Brandybuck, son of Modi. Bertie the Bowman, we call him. He’s a huntsman.  He lives over in Crickhollow, with his Mum, Freda Brandybuck, and his father, Modi, son of Grani. Maybe you fellows know Modi. He’s about Mr. Dwalin’s size, but he’s very ginger and his hair and his beard and his eyebrows are bushy. He’s go one eye and a peg leg, and he’s a huntsman. Very large family. There’s Bertie, and his brother Magni, and his sister, Skadi, and the twins, Ioni and Ivy. Ioni’s a boy, and Ivy’s a girl.”

“I know the man. And his son. And who is Bertie the Bowman, to you?”

“None of your business, Mr. Thorin.” Bella replied.

All of the Company laughed, and Thorin gave up trying to convince Bella to stay home.

“Very well, burglar. But remember, I tried to warn you.”

“And I’ve been warned about you, too, Mr. Thorin. But I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, as you’ve given me. Now, as all the food’s gone and all the dishes put away, I’ll have to go into the kitchen, and fix something for you, meself, Mr. Thorin. I’ll only be a few moments.”

Cheerily, Bella got up and went into the kitchen.

“I wouldn’t fix you a fish head sandwich, Thorin Oakenshield, if you treated me with such disdain.” Gandalf told him.

“I didn’t say she wasn’t a good woman. I said she’s not likely to be a good burglar. She ought to stay here, and marry Modi’s son, and move his large family into this big, lonely empty house. Mahal knows they are poor enough. And she is likely lonely enough. It’s not right for a young girl to live all alone, with no one to share the joys or the sorrows of life with. Or the responsibilities, for that matter.”

“I would agree with you on that matter, Thorin. But the only Shirefolk more stubborn than Tooks are Bagginses. Still, Bella may surprise you. Hobbits very often do. And what is it you always said, about Tooks? If you are defending a wet ditch, in the thick of battle, with nothing but flaming ruins to retreat to, and orcs with armoured cave trolls marching towards you? Well, count yourself lucky if the other man in the ditch is a Took. For not only will you survive, you might even win the day.”

“And she is Belladonna Took’s daughter?”

“The one and only Belladonna Took.”

“It figures. You know, she’s still pretty, witch that she is. Turning her nose up at me like I was a stranger, every time I see  her, at the yearly Shire Festivals! You know I never got so much as a kiss out of that woman? Imagine, her marrying that Bungo Baggins, when she might have gone to the Blue Mountains with me! You know, even though she’s been a widow for seven years, she won’t see me. She says, “Oh, I know what you want, Thorin Whoremaster. You’ll not get it from me, without a ring on my finger, and time makes no difference to me. I’d sooner marry a she-Orc.” She was the belle of the Shire, and Buckland, but I’ll bet being married to that fearsome woman drove poor Baggins to his early grave. Still, what a feckin’ way to go!” Thorin exclaimed.

“Thorin, Bella is not her mother all over again. Or her father all over again. She’s very much her own woman, both a Baggins and a Took, and you ought not to judge her by Belladonna.”

“We shall see, Gandalf. We shall see!”

* * *

 

                                                            ***

That night, after she packed, and before going to sleep, Bella wrote a letter to Bertie.

 Before she rode to meet the Dwarves the morning after her unexpected party, she posted it, in Hobbiton.

 

**_TO BE OPENED ONLY BY DAGOBERT BRANDYBUCK, SON OF MAGNI OF EREBOR; FOR HIS EYES ONLY!!!!!!!_ **

_Dear Bertie,_

_I’m going on an adventure that I might never come back from._

_That said, I do intend to return, but when you go to have dealings with a dragon, you can’t make promises._

_I forgive you for getting greedy about my inheritance. I mean, your father is a Dwarf, after all, and besides, I know that you and your whole family haven’t got much, and never have had._

_And me Mum thinks you were thinking about me, too, all alone, in this big house, by myself._

_She’s probably right, and I’m probably a stuffed shirt of a Baggins._

_I don’t want to get married, to you, or to anybody, but if you need something, go and see my solicitor in Michael Delving with this letter, I authorize him to give you a hundred gold pieces, two hundred if you absolutely need them._

_It’s only money, Bert._

_It was never the money that bothered me, it was the idea that all the sudden my land, my money all of it mattered more to you than all the years we’ve been friends, among other things._

_If I should come back, alive, I want things to be just as they used to be with us._

_If I’ve been a fool, I’m sorry._

_Please take care of Bag End while I’m gone; if Lobelia tries to move in, you have my permission to take over the premisis as caretaker, until I return._

_On second thoughts, you had better move in, as soon as you get this letter; it’s a cinch Lobelia will be there, already._

_Don’t worry about having the whole family visit you; just make sure the twins don’t wreck the place._

_If I don’t return, you and your Mum and Da and your sister and your two little brothers can all have the place, lock, stock and barrel._

_But, wait two years to assume I’m not going to return._

_I have missed you since the last time you came to my house in the middle of the night; you don’t come to Bag End in the middle of the night, enough, anymore, and I miss that we used to be friends all the time._

_Day and night, and in public, too._

_You’re my best friend, Bert, and I love you for it, and in that I’ve never even looked at another man, I think we are square on that score._

_Even if I do, on this long perilous journey, that doesn’t change things as to us._

_I will write you every time we come to a place where a letter might be posted._

_If you want to write to me, I’m fairly sure we’ll have to pass through Bree, Rivendell, and Laketown, so send letters to me there, general delivery, and I’ll check with the postmaster when I arrive._

_Love always, your friend_

_Bella_

_P.S. If I get in a jam, I might have to call you to come to some town, and see me home. Go see Mum, and ask her for traveling expenses; I’ll pay her back on my return._

* * *

 

                                                ***

“What kind of pony is that, burglar? Or is it just a very large dog?” Thorin asked, as Bella rode to meet the company.

Bella’s pony, Elrocheth, was a long-haired black and silver pony,  a little smaller than the Dwarrow ponies, but no less sturdy.

And not small enough to be mistaken for a large dog.

“Elrocheth is just what her name means. She’s an Elf-horse. Well, an Elf-pony.  The Old Took gave her to me when I was ten years old, and she was just a colt. She’s been my faithful friend, ever since. And I can expect her to be my faithful friend until the day I die, too. So I’ll thank you not to sneer,  Mr. Thorin.” Bella replied.

“It had better be able to keep up. And you too, burglar.” Thorin replied.

He wheeled his pony around, and ordered the Company to move on.

* * *

 

                                                            ***

Bella didn’t find it as hard as she thought it would be to get along with the Company.

Maybe it was because of Bertie and his father.

Well, most of the Company.

Of all the company, Fili and Kili were closest to her in age, and they were rather at the same stage in their lives as she was in hers.

Where people are just beginning to take you seriously.

No one in the company was mean to her, but she had actually become friends with Thorin’s nephews, over the course of their first three weeks of travel.

Mr. Thorin, however, seemed to have nothing but contempt for her; Bella endeavored to stay out of his way.

And Bofur, his Mahal bless him, was always chatty.

All day long, no matter what.

It was nice to pass the time, as they rode and rode for endless hours, chatting with Bofur, rain or shine, even when Fili and Kili were glum and unpleasant.

Which was only when Mr. Thorin was cross with them.

He often spoke to his nephews with affection, though, and Bella even saw him smile, a few times, while they were camped, talking to Fili or Kili, and especially when he and Dwalin had their heads together.

Mr. Thorin never had any kind words for Bella, though, just a great deal of scowls and hard stares.

That was how he stayed _Mister_   Thorin.

The other Dwarves, she was on first name terms with all of them.

Dwalin kept his promise to teach Bella how to fight with her dagger; they trained a little, every night.

And he put her through her paces with her boxing, even showing her a few new tricks.

That often served as entertainment, in camp.

When they were camped, Kili and Fili would play their fiddles, and Bofur would sing and dance.

Sometimes Bella would sing, too, or tell stories from all the books she had read.

She danced badly, but Bofur didn't seem to care.

Sometimes, though, they were all too tired to do anything but eat and sleep.

After a long, rainy, miserable day, the weather finally got drier, but colder, and they spent much of the night huddled around the fire.

It was one of those miserable nights, but Fili had an idea of how to put some life into it.

“Are your woolies dry, yet, Bella?’ Fili asked.

Bella’s “woolies” were the woolen leggings she wore, during inclement weather, under her walking kilt and her short drawers.

They were close enough to being underthings, though, that it was quite improper and impertinent, for Fili to ask her about them.

“Fili!” Balin corrected him.

“Not yet. Why? Are your legs cold, Fili lad?” Bella replied.

“No, it’s only that, I’ve seen your sparring, with me old drillmaster, and I’ll bet you ten gold pieces I can beat you.” Fili assured her.

“Shows what you know about boxing, Fili. You box in your drawers and undershirt, not in your woolies.”

“That sounds even better.”

“Are you serious, Fili? You are, aren’t you? Well, I’ll bet you twenty you can’t. And in a fair fight. No hits below the belt.” She retorted.

“I’ll take that bet. I’ll cover all your bets. And mine is double or nothing, Fili, and my money’s on the Hobbit.” Nori broke in.

“So will I.” Dwalin added.

Before long, all of the Dwarves were placing wagers, roughly half for Bella, and half for Fili.

Mr. Thorin bet on her.

Bella stood up, took off her jacket, and unfastened her kilt.

Under it, she wore a pair of beige cotton drawers, gathered and tied at the waist with a length of purple velvet ribbon, and gathered and tied mid-thigh, on both legs, one leg with purple velvet ribbon and the other with green.

She unlaced her tunic in the front, and pulled it over her head.

Beneath that, she wore a square necked smock that came down a little past her navel, and had a gathered pocket in the front, tied above and below with a blue-velvet ribbon, and reinforced underneath and along the sides, most likely with thin and flexible dragon bone.

And in Bella’s case, a lot of it.

They were of a plain, natural-colored linen, and not adorned, or fancy, or made to titillate, but even so, what other effect could it have on 12 men, when there was a pretty young girl, deep of bosom and wide of hip, prancing around in her underwear?

“That was Fili’s intention. To see the girl in her…small clothes!” Balin said to Thorin.

“They’re very modest, though, Balin. And I think Fili’s going to get more than he bargained for.” Thorin replied.

Meanwhile, Bella assumed a fighting stance.

“Come on, Fili lad. Let’s have you.”

Not believing his good-fortune, Fili looked her up and down.

“I wish you would, Little Miss Bella.”

Bella ignored his obvious smutty comment.

 “Are you sure you want to do this, without any boxing gloves?” Bella asked.

“I think I can take it.” Fili replied.

Fili threw his fist out like it was going to the market before it got to Bella, and she blocked it, easily.

He threw out a second punch, this one, far more serious, and she got inside his arms and jabbed him two or three times in the body, then jumped out.

Fili was a fighter, but not necessarily a boxer.

And he had not been prepared to be in an actual fight.

He dropped his hands over his stomach, the wind knocked out of him, and Bella hit him a glancing blow on the chin that put him off balance.

Then she gave him a good shove.

He fell onto the ground.

Bella danced around him, her fists up, still in a fighting stance.

“Fili, don’t get up. You’re not a boxer and I don’t want to hurt you.” I told him.

All the Dwarves were laughing as Fili sat on his arse on the ground, shaking his head.

“How did you do that?”

“Skill. You fight like a drunk in a tavern. Most people do. I just know better. Now, have you learnt your lesson, Mr. Cock-of-the-Walk, having your arse handed to you by a woman a foot shorter than you? In her underthings?”

“It was worth it, Bella, to get that close to you, in your underthings. And I am the nephew of Thorin Oakenshield, called sometimes Thorin Whoremaster, and the son of Vargbrand, called the Great Beast. I never learn my lesson. But I’ll make a deal with you, Little Miss Took. You teach me how to box, and I’ll teach you how to use a sword.”

“I don’t have a sword.”

“We’ll find you one. Failing that, you can use mine."

Fili winked at Bella.

She couldn't help but laugh.

"I ought to punch you again, but I hate to kick a man when he's down."

Of course, Fili didn’t have the money to cover his bets, and promised to pay everyone, later, out of his share of the treasure.

Thorin wasn’t having any of that.

“A man should never gamble when he can’t cover his bets. Balin, pay the lads. Fili, you shall have watch, for two weeks, straight, all night, to pay me back for covering your bets. And you, girl, put your clothes back on. And leave them on.”

“You can’t see anything, Mr. Thorin. It’s not as if I’m wearing underthings for the boudoir. This is what I was wearing, the other day, when we washed up and did our washing, in that stream, and no one seemed to think it immodest.”

“I did. And I still do. Put your clothes on, burglar. And keep them on, while I’m around.” Thorin told her.

Balin got a worried look on his face.

* * *

 

                                                            ***

Bella wasn’t sure if that was what passed for flirting, among Dwarves.

She thought about it, for much of the night, and a good bit of the next day, before dropping back to ride with Bofur, so she could ask.

 “Bofur, was that flirting, last night? When Thorin warned me to keep my clothes on, in his presence? He acted as though I were buck naked, wiggling my bum under his nose.”

“It seemed to affect him the same way. You didn’t see the look on his face, last night. Or when you were bathing. He was starin’ at you like to how Balin had to tell him to look the other way. Then, when you went around the curve in the stream to wash your underthings, and bathe? He was at all of us not to look, but he was the one who seemed like his arse were on fire and his beard was going to catch, from not looking. If it was me, I’d say that was a bit more than flirting, the other night.  But our Thorin, he’s quite the ladies’ man. Your Mum had it right, you want to watch out for him. And Fili. Chip off the old block. His father’s and his uncle’s.”

“I know Fili was flirting. He fancied he’d get handsy with me while I was in my skivvies. Well, he had another think coming, didn’t he?” Bella replied.

She and Bofur both laughed.

But Bella stopped, abruptly.

“Well, I’m just going to go ahead and assume that, as a respectable young woman, you’re looking for a husband. You’d be alright with Thorin, FilI’s his heir and then Kili. But you’d have to leave the Shire. Unless you were going to be Thorin’s wife and live with him, oh say, half the year. Which might suit him. But you’d be better off with Kili. He’s got no obligations on him, and he’s free and unattached. But FilI’s going to have to marry a Dwarf, because he’s the heir. Then again, you are a Took, and Tooks are our allies.”

“I’m not  thinking about marriage, Bofur. I don’t want anyone else having claim to my father’s land. I am a Baggins of Bag End, and so I’ll remain, until my dying day. However, I wouldn’t mind having a fella, you know, for…erm, companionship.”

“Well then, in that case , you’d be best off with our Fili. Or Thorin. KilI’s the romantic type. He’s looking for Miss Forever and he’s probably convinced himself he’s in love with you, already.” Bofur decided.

“Oh, I don’t think Mr. Thorin likes me very much. No matter how he feels about my…underthings.” Bella replied.

Bofur only laughed, knowingly, and then Thorin wheeled his pony around.

“Burglar! Haven’t I told you not to go so far from my sight! Don’t distract the girl, Bofur! Well? Come along, burglar.”

“You see? I’m surprised he doesn’t make you ride a few paces ahead of him. Go on now, Bella. I don’t want to get you in trouble.” Bofur suggested.

* * *

 

                                                                        ***

Later that night, Balin took Bella aside.

“Miss Baggins, I can’t help but notice that you seem to be making friends with Fili and Kili. And it’s well you should, you’re all young, and well, what I mean to say is, there are very few girls Fili and KilI’s age in New Belegost,  and the Tooks are allies of Durin’s folk, since Thorin fought at Bullroarer Took’s side, to defeat the goblin horde. But, history aside, I think that Thorin agreed with Gandalf, in letting you come along, partly, because he’s looking at you as a potential wife for his nephews.”

“Which one?”

“Both. We have so few women that Dwarrow women are allowed to have two husbands, who are blood relatives. It’s usually brothers, or cousins, but sometimes uncle and nephew. But never father and son, or grandfather and grandson. You might want  to keep that in mind. Also, our Fili, he’s following in his father’s, and his  Uncle Thorin’s footsteps. He’s a bit of a rake, with women. But they’re both good boys. And that’s the trouble. You’re a grown woman, you’ve been forced to put aside your girlhood and be the master of a house, to carry on your father’s name and keep his land. But Fili and Kili are yet boys. I wouldn’t want to see you get into trouble with them.”

“Thank you for the advice, Balin.  As you say, though,  I’m a grown woman, and I know all about the kind of trouble a girl can get into with a man, or a boy.”

“That is not the only kind of trouble.  I know you are a level-headed girl, and that you have your position and your property well in mind, but that does not mean you don’t have a heart. It is well, and safe if you were to lose your heart to our Kili, or our Fili. Or both of them. But I must warn you about Thorin. His blood is very hot, but his heart is very cold, lass. It would only result in the breaking of your valiant little heart. And I would not want to see that happen. Nor would Thorin.”

“Balin, I don’t think Mr. Thorin likes me very much. Despite what he might think about how I look in my skivvies. I don’t think I’ll have any problems, not falling for him.”

“You don’t know Thorin the way I do, Bella Baggins. I was there on the day he was born, and I have known him all his life. He desires you, and not out of mere lust. Though I do not know what his feelings or his intentions are, I know that all of Thorin’s emotions, for good and ill, run deep. He’s a complicated man, and a complication that you do not need, in your young life. Try to remember my words, whatever happens.”

Bella nodded her assent.

She looked puzzled.

Balin could only hope she would never be enlightened as to what he meant.

* * *

 

                                                            ***

Well , Bella knew that even though Fili might have known all about that sort of thing, Kili didn’t.

 That much was obvious.

But she rather got the feeling Fili was courting her, in his way, which Kili assured her was highly unusual, for Fili.

And as he was Thorin’s heir, she knew she didn’t have to worry about his wanting her for her money or her property.

At any rate, Bella spent so much time being cold and hungry and frightened, and trying to keep a stiff upper lip that she could scarcely think about male companionship.

Well,  not very much, anyway.

And Dwarves had so many odd customs, the simplest things became complicated.

She noticed that they all had intricate braids, and Bella had very long hair that was getting all in her way.

She noted that Thorin braided FilI’s hair, and his own, and that Dori braided NorI’s hair and Nori braided Ori’s hair and Dori braided his own, and so on.

It all seemed complicated, but Bella needed somebody to braid her hair for her.

She didn’t know who to ask, so she asked Balin about it.

“That  is a conundrum, lassie!  Its’ a very meaningful thing, for a man to braid a young, unmarried woman’s hair. I think though, considering I am a very old man, it would be alright if I did it. But you ought to ask Thorin, just in case.”

But when Bella  asked Thorin, he disagreed.

“It wouldn’t be proper. I am the head of this expedition, and the Chieftain of this Company. I would be the only man to  have the privilege to braid your hair, burglar, without any responsibilities to attach.”

Bella was surprised that Balin openly disagreed with him, citing this or that obscure rule that Bella didn’t understand.

It turned into quite an obtuse and impenetrable discussion.

“I’ll do it, Bella. I braid FilI’s hair, half the time.  And if I’m braiding your hair right in front of everyone, no one could think it meant anything, really. How do you want it done?” Kili volunteered as the conference continued.

Bella sat down in front of him.

“Well, me Mum would do it for me. She’d braid the two parts along each side that get in my face into two braids, and then make one braid in the back, and bring the other two around the side and braid all three together.”

“That’s not too hard. Fili does his that way, when he’s working in the forge. Do you have a comb?”

“I had, but I’ve lost it.”

“I’ll use mine. How did you get your hair to grow all the way down to your waist?”

“Me hair grows like a weed. I have to cut it, every two or three months, to keep it at my waist. Don’t worry if it isn’t perfect, either. Curly hair never is. I have some braid beads in my pocket, here.”

“Let me have them one at a time.”

The conference was still going on when Dwalin pointed out that Bella wasn’t paying attention, anymore, and that she had got Kili to do it for her.

Balin was satisfied at that, agreeing with Kili that as Bella wasn’t a Dwarf and the process was going on casually and in full view, that the act didn’t have the usual significance.

Thorin, however, got angry with Kili.

“You had no right, lad! Bella, the next time those braids need doing, you’ll come to me, burglar! And me, alone! Is that clear?”

“What about you, Fili? And you, Kili? Do I make myself understood?” Thorin insisted.

Bella only nodded, and Fili and Kili nodded, too.

Thorin stalked off, away from the fire.

“Why does your uncle hate me so much? Why has he got to be so feckin’ nasty to me, all the time? ” She asked Kili.

“I don’t think he hates you, Bella.  He just doesn’t know what to do about you.”  Kili told her.

“I think I know what we should do about Bella, little brother. And I think we had better do it before Uncle gets a chance. Don’t worry if you don’t know what to do. I know what’s in that velvet pouch around Bella’s neck. She’ll show you.”

Bella didn’t say anything, she just hauled off and punched Fili, right in the gob, and he went arse over teacups.

“That shows you, doesn’t it?” She asked Fili.

Fili touched his hand to his lip, and then looked, wonderingly, at the blood on his fingers.

“That really feckin’ hurt! You must have been pulling your punches, the other night!”

“And the next time you try and say as to how I’d take you, and your brother on,. at once. Out here, in the open, in view of everybody! I’ll bunch you that hard, right in your bollocks!  
 

The Company all roared with laughter, and Bella?

 She took her blankets over to where Gandalf had his, and set them out.

“I think that was justified, Bella.”

“Gandalf, do you think it’s best if I don’t get myself involved with any of them?”

“No.”

“Well, isn’t that the sensible thing to do?”

“It is. But it’s not what you want, and it’s not what you think is best for you. If what is best for you is also what you want, you shouldn’t do something else, only because it’s sensible. If you were going to live your life in that way? Sensibly? You never would have come on this quest.”

“That’s true. Do you think Mr. Thorin will ever stop being so mean to me? I’m sure I don’t know why he’s always so cross and angry with me. No matter what I do. Do you understand it, Gandalf?”

Gandalf puffed away at his pipe.

“Yes.”

That was all he said.


	2. Courtship and Conundrum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bella discovers that adventure can be tiring and terrifying but exciting, and she becomes more entangled than she wishes to be with the Heirs of Durin. Also, in which Thorn tips his hand, Kili presses his suit, and Fili waits to see what happens, intending to fit himself into the picture, somewhere, when the opportunity presents itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dokklafari and Morquiendi refer to the same people, the Dark Elves. as Professor Tolkein had little to say about the, I elaborated where he left off. Keep in mind that the Dark Elves are a matriarchal society, ruled over by councils of female Chieftains. They may be the foldk that men refer to as the fair Folk or the People of Peace, because they are a people steeped in magic, a people of the Wood and the Wild, and have their halls under the hills. They are of the blood of Durin, and conisder the current King Under the Mountain their kind, no matter in what Dokklafrai settlement in Arda that they live in. the Morquiendi are descended, at least in legend, from a daughter of Telchar, the brother of Durin and Loki, when Loki came to commission Telchar to make Thor's hammer. Mjolnir. The Dark Elves are a race of the mixed blood of the Khazad and the Silvani. Due to there being few Dwarrow women, Dwarrow men often marry Morquiendi women. There is a tradition in the royal line of Durin of the Kings under the Mountain having Morquendi queens. King Thror's wife, Skadi, who raised Thorin and his brother and sister after Thrain's wife died in childbirth, was a full-blooded Dokklafari warrior, the daughter of a chieftain, and before becoming his wife, she was Thror's personal bodyguard.

** CHAPTER TWO: COURTSHIP AND CONUNDRUM **

                                                   

Bella thought she had never before been really tired, until she went on this adventure of hers.

Even when she was exhausted, she found it hard to sleep, sometimes, and when she did, she had dreams that were so vivid they seemed to her more real than her waking life.

She embarrassed herself, thoroughly, waking up in the middle of the night yelling for Bertie, but if the Dwarves were awakened, none of them said anything.

No one, except Kili.

She woke up from a terrible nightmare, the night that Kili and Fili were joking with her about midnight orc raids.

And Balin’s tragic and gruesome story about Azanulbizar didn’t help.

“Bertie! Oh, Bertie, where the hell are you? Where the hell am I, for that matter? And why is it so cold?”

“You’re out in the middle of nowhere, with ten old men, a wizard, and my brother, to boot. But you don’t have to worry, Bella, because I’ll be your knight in shining mithril.”

Kili went over to where Bella lay, far from the men, but further from the fire, bringing his fur pallet and fur and sheepskin blanket.

He laid his pallet down, and himself on top of it, and Bella lay down beside him, and then they pulled the large blue-dyed blanket, fur side down and sheepskin side up, over their heads.

“Well, I wouldn’t trust your Uncle or your brother to be my knight in shining mithril.  Mind, not that I’m a prude, or anything, but, I’m not the sort of girl who just rolls over after a few weeks. I still have my pride, don’t I? Anyway, why did your Mum dye your blanket blue? Just to match your cloak and hood?”

“No. So Fili and I could keep our blankets straight, and we wouldn’t quarrel over who’s was who’s. She even embroidered our name runes on them.”

“And his is green, with his name on it? That’s embarrassing. But cute.”

“Well, everyone’s Mum thinks they’re still five. Yours has a label with your name sewn into all your clothes.”

“That’s true! I don’t even know how she gets hold of them all.”

They laughed, thinking of their mothers, and home, and snuggled close together, under the blanket and against the cold.

And Bella very nearly fell asleep.

“Bella?”

“Hmm?”

“Who’s Bertie, Bella?”

“Why do you want to know, Kili?”

Kili  blushed, in the dark.

“Because Mum had me convinced not to go with Fili and Uncle Thorin…and then I lost the girl I loved. She married another man. I couldn’t bear to stay at home, anymore.” Kili blurted out.

“Oh. Well, I lost Bertie a long time ago. I wrote him, before I left. I hope he opens the letter. He wasn’t just my, you know, my fella, he was my very best friend. Bertie’s tall, for a Hobbit. I’m four feet tall, which is tall for a Hobbit, but Bertie’s a head taller than me. Probably because his Da is a Dwarf, and all. He’s ginger, with green eyes and a ginger moustache and goatee, that’s as much beard as he can grow. And he’s a very big fella, you know, in his chest and his shoulders and all. Even among Hobbits, you could never meet a merrier man. He dresses all in shades of green and brown, and you and Fili sort of remind me of Bertie. That quiet, sure-footed way you walk, and the way you’re always alert to every sound, so every sight, maybe even every smell. From the time I was just a little girl, I knew Bertie. I don’t recall ever not knowing him. And I haven’t really spoken to him in six years. After my father died, the fact I had Bag End, and all Da’s money? That changed Bertie. His family are so very poor, and his father, he only has one eye, and he’s got this wooden leg, you know.  I suppose Bertie couldn’t help it, never having any money. Now it seems stupid, my not speaking to him for so long, because he wanted to marry me for my money. Well, not publicly. Not much.”

“Did you have to meet in secret? Were your elders angry, then?”

“Quite the opposite. My whole family wants me to marry Bertie, and move to Tuckborough. My Uncle, who’s the Thain of the Shire, he wants to have a Hobbit hole built for us that would put Bag End to shame. But my Tookish kin, they don’t understand. I am THE Baggins. Of Bag End. What I mean is, well, I often forget to fasten the kitchen window. Or lock the back door. And Bertie, well, occasionally, he’ll sneak in, late at night.  I can’t very well throw him out, or raise a hue and cry? He’d get in trouble, wouldn’t he?” Bella explained.

“Oh. I see. It’s not as if you were purposefully leaving a door or a window open, for him to come and visit you.” Kili teased her.

“I do enjoy his company. I miss it. Do you think that makes me a bad woman, Kili?”

“Of course not. If you like your  Bertie, so well, why don’t you marry him?”

“He has too many responsibilities at home. He could never move to Bag End, with me. And I thought he was being so awful. Maybe he was. But the next time we get to a town I’m going to write to Bertie. I promised I would. I said forgave him, in my letter. I asked him to forgive me. And when I get home, if I get home, I want things to go back to the way they were, with us. If he really needed something, I would have given him and his family all the money they wanted. He didn’t have to try and trick me. But I forgive him, now. I should have, a long time ago. I hope he can forgive me. But i still don;'t want to marry him. And i don't think I'm in love with him. Love, i think, is too disorderly of an emotion for me to experience. as the Baggins of Bag End, you know."

Bella wiped her eyes.

“I‘m sorry, Kili. You must think I’m an awful silly foolish woman.”

“Not at all. I’m glad for you, that you might make amends with your Bertie the Bowman. You still have a chance. I don’t.”

“Why would a girl leave you, Kili?”

“I don’t think she ever loved me. My mum tried to tell me. And Uncle Thorin. But I wouldn’t listen. Gudrun was ginger, too. But golden, too.  She had this lovely, long red-gold hair as long as yours. And her eyes were so blue, they were almost violet. And she had the softest little beard, in two braids, coming down from her chin. Like a duckling’s down. Gudrun would walk by and men would just stop what they were doing. Grown men, much older than me.  She was so beautiful, you’d look at her and the breath would leave your body.”

“Bertie’s that handsome! He really is! Like to take your breath away, and stop time, and all of that! All the girls just love Bertie, they’re mad for him, but he fancied me.”

“And you never knew why, but you were just so happy?”

“Well, Bertie was my friend, first. But yes.”

“Lucky you. Gudrun was like…she was like some kind of demi-goddess to me. She’s twenty years older than I am, a grown woman, and I was just…spellbound. I’d do anything she wanted me to.  Anything. Now I see I was just some kind of plaything to her. She’d get me to do all these…things to her.  Not that I minded. Not at all. But there wasn’t much else between us, except, well, you know. Things.  Then she got an offer of marriage, from a very rich man, in the Iron Hills and she just left. I told her I loved her, and I would marry her and I didn’t care if she never let me lay a hand on her; I’d be her servant, her willing slave, for all my life, just as I had been, if only she’d wait till I was of age. And she just laughed and told me I was a very silly boy, and Iwas good for…well I can’t say, because it’s, you know, personal. But she left me, without a second thought. Or a backward glance. And I’m so miserable, I could just die.”

Bella shook her head.

“That’s an awful story! What a terrible woman! Kili, most women are not so mean, or so cruel as she was. Don’t  judge us all based on her. I mean, I’m not like that, at all.”

“I know.”

They looked at each other and smiled.

Kili blushed, and looked away, and Bella took his hand.

“Kili, you’re a good friend. I trust you. I’m glad you’re on this crazy quest.”

“Bella, if we live to see the end of this adventure,  I’ll go with you, back to the Shire. I’ll see you right to your door. You know, my brother’s the heir. I’m…I’m just a bowman. I could stay there, with you. I wouldn’t mind, about Bert. I know him, some. I’ve hunted with him a few times. Besides, if you were married to me, you’d be subject to Dwarf law. And under our laws, you could marry a close male relative of mine, too. Bert and I could swear ourselves, by blood oath, as brothers.” Kili blurted out.

“Kili, we hardly know each other!”

“I know. But it’s a long way, to the Lonely Mountain. We might come to know each other, better. And I don’t mean that the way my brother would.”

That was when Thorin pulled the blanket away from their heads, and peered under it.

“Stop that chattering, you’re keeping the whole company awake! It’s good of you to share your blankest with the burglar, Kili lad, but she’s the burglar, not you, so don’t go stealing anything from her! Hands to yourself, lad! Now, go to sleep!”

He dropped the blanket, but stood there for quite some time.

They both fell asleep soon after, but Bella couldn’t help but wonder how Mr. Thorin even heard them.

They were whispering, not chattering.

And they might have been young, but Bella was a grown woman and Kili a grown man; what business was it of Mr. Thorin’s if they were doing anything under Kili’s blanket, other than talking?

None at all, and if he said anything else like that to her, well she was going to tell him so.

* * *

 

                                                            ***

“Thorin,  laddie, you and I must have words.”

“I already know what you’re going to say to me, Balin.”

“I’ll say it anyway.  You are barely civil to our Hobbit, but yet you were keener even than Fili to braid her hair. I have seen the way you look at her. And don’t think you’ve got me fooled as to why you are so reluctant to let the girl out of your sight. Why are you so keen, to braid her hair? So that you can  convince her that it would be better if all of us weren’t watching you do it? So you could get her alone, and have your way with her? And that business the other night, stomping over and waking us all up and pulling the blanket away from Kili and the girl? Demanding that he keep his hands off her? They’re young, Thorin, they’re on a long journey together. If they have a little romance, well, that’s only natural, isn’t it?”

“He was talking to her about marriage. About leaving me, and his mother, and his home, to be her husband!”

“Isn’t that what boys do, Thorin, when they become men? Do you expect the lad to quietly stand behind his brother, for the rest of his life? You are the Lord of New Belegost; you’ll have to spend some time in the Blue Mountains, and the Shire is not so far away.”

“He’s too young to marry! Thirty years from being of age to even think on it! And he has nothing!”

“And when you were in your twenties, you made sure your forbidden love was with child, so you could marry her. And after Smaug came, you two went to Laketown when it was just a shanty, with less than you have tied to your pack pony, and a child of two.”

“I want a better life than that for Kili!”

“And he’s had it. He’s near to a grown man, Thorin, with a trade, and money saved up, and he’d be going to marry a woman with position and property. Most men would consider that a fine marriage for their son.”

“What are you driving at, Balin?”

“You said we were not bringing the girl for…for our pleasure. Gandalf did not ask her to be your concubine, either! She’s a good girl, Thorin, from a fine family. One we are allied to. Finally, we’ve been introduced to a young woman who might be a wife for Kili, and you act like you’re her father. Or her husband! What are you about? As if I had to ask! ”

“Can I not have good intentions toward a woman, Balin?”

“Honorable intentions, you mean? Kili has honorable intentions. As for you, laddie,  I have not seen you have them since the death of your wife, shortly after Azanulbizar.”

“And my son, in the battle?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I am not getting any younger, am I, Balin? With the blood of Durin in my veins, and considering my grandmother was Dokkalfari,  I might have another seventy-five good years on me. Possibly even a hundred. That would be about right, for a Took.”

“She has property, Thorin, that she intends to return to.”

“All the better for me, a man unfit for marriage. If I only have to be fit for part of the year, I may be able to manage it.”

“You’re not telling me you’ve fallen in love with the girl, are you?”

“No. But I can’t help but like the lass. She’s so far out of her depth, on this Quest, but she doesn’t complain, and she does her level best to keep up with us. She’s got a lot of spirit, that little Hobbit. And I feel for her.  I know what it is, to lose a father, too soon. To have to grow up, overnight, though you are still young in years. When she is not smiling, cheerily  and muddling through, when she sits alone, a sad, haunted look sometimes comes over her face. She does not need to be saddled with a boy; what that girl needs is the company of a man. But I’ll admit it, I want her.  Badly. There is something about her. There has always been something about Tookish lasses. And she is a pretty girl.  In that wide brown-eyed, dusky, mischievous Dark Elf way that only Tookish women seem to be, thanks to the Dokklafari woman at the heart of their line.”

“She reminds you of Belladonna Took, who you loved and lost?”

“I didn’t love Belladonna. I was fascinated by her. Perhaps I was enchanted. She is a Tookish witch, from a long line of Tookish witches. And I was never close enough to having her, to lose her. Yes,  I see some of Belladonna in her daughter. But Gandalf was right. Bella is her own woman. A Baggins and a Took. But no less a little Tookish witch, for I am bewitched by her, as well. Still, there is something more than any of that, in our burglar. Gandalf sees it. That’s why he chose her to be our burglar. I see it, too. But it has a different effect on me.”

“Marriage is not based only on  lust, Thorin. Or instinct.”

“I never said I wanted to marry her. I said my intentions were honorable,  and by it, I  meant I wish to have her for my mistress. Perhaps, it’s a good idea, to let Kili marry her. If he reserves a place for his old Uncle, that is. But not for another twenty years! And I’ll not follow my own boy into the breach! He’ll follow me, if he must, by both Mahal’s beards, and both of mine!”

“That is hardly an honorable intention!”

“Balin, since Anorloth died, I have not spent more than five days in the company of any one woman. Considering that, it’s honorable, coming from me.”

“I think that you should think better of it, Thorin.”

“I think I should , too. But  I do not know if I will.”

* * *

 

                                                ***

Thorin was wide awake, standing watch.

He knew that sleep would not come to him.

The King Under the Mountain was a man not used to being refused what he wanted.

Fili flirted with the burglar, shamelessly, and Kili courted her, ardently, but they were yet boys.

Fili, however was smart enough to wait and see if his dear old uncle had an eye for the girl, thinking he might have a better chance, later, after Bella invariably became cross and angry with mean old Thorin.

After all, there was nothing a pretty young girl mixed up with a mean old bastard needed like a young understanding lover.

Meanwhile, though, Kili was working himself up into falling madly in love with Bella, which was, admittedly, a vast improvement over him having worked himself up into being madly in love with Gudrun, daughter of Volstag.

She’d been had by every man between stubble and dotage in New Belegost, and half of Breeland, to boot, and didn’t Gudrun take advantage of Kili falling in love with her?

Gudrun, who none too daintily offered everything but her earholes and her nostrils to her lovers, and not for anything more than the fun of it, she wouldn’t so much as let Kili kiss her.

She played the great lady with him.

Grudgingly, Thorin admired the bollocks on Gudrun.

She was a bad woman, a bad drunk and a good time, but she taught Kili a valuable lesson that every young man had to learn the hard way.

Thinking about Gudrun made Thorin feel that all-too familiar pull in his loins, and a dull, throbbing ache in his bollocks.

He hadn’t really thought about it, being so long without a woman’s companionship but a month was longer than Thorin had gone without same since he was a lad of 17.

When Gandalf suggested, one of many times that they stop in Rivendell, Fili piped up that he was all for it.

“Fili, are you are a friend to Elves?” Dwalin had insisted.

“I’m a friend to their women! I know ten women from Rivendell and I’m of a mind to have them all, before I go to die in dragon fire!” Fili replied.

Most of the company had a laugh on that, but Thorin rebuked Fili, even though he was thinking along the same lines.

But  he wanted Bella so fiercely that it made his head ache and his heart lurch in his chest along with the aching of his balls.

She was, in a way, an innocent, and it was in the innocence of her need that she tried so charmingly and ineptly to conceal that he was enthralled.

And in her wonderment at the wide world, and the combination of fear and curiosity at each new day?

That really fired Thorin, and not just in his lusts.

She was a fine lass, and every day her resolve and her courage grew, however haltingly and clumsily, and that made Thorin feel intensely protective of her.

Bella Baggins was a hardly little sapling who would grow into a strong and beautiful tree, but only if she was carefully nurtured.

Fili would shatter her heart and Kili would waste her goodness, her patience and her time, but Thorin knew he would do no such things.

Besides, she was a woman, a pretty  Tookish lass, alone without father or brother or suitor on a quest with 13 men who would only grow more desperate as they were longer on the tramp, far from home and kin and anything familiar.

That was why, despite Balin’s giving him a look of disdain, Thorin had forbidden Kili to share his blankets with the burglar.

“The men respect our burglar, because she has been above reproach, Kili, lad. If they think she’d casually lie with you, a man she hardly knows, on the far side of the fire, what respect would they have for her, then?”

Or so he explained it.

Kili had protested, but Thorin was firm about it.

What could a boy do, to protect her from being seduced by a man?

And his brother, and his friend, and his brother, too, and then where would that leave the burglar?

She was an oddly practical and level-headed girl, so it wouldn’t be in her nature to be so reckless, just as it wasn’t in the nature of any of these good men to take advantage of a girl in her need and her innocence.

But Thorin knew that fear, privation and desperation drive even good men and virtuous girls to cat against their better nature.

But none would be so tempted, not if the woman was the woman of their King.

And though she tried to keep a stiff upper lip, Thorin knew that the Hobbit was more often lonely, frightened, hungry and cold than any of her fellows, and he didn’t think she ought to me made to muddle through, on her own.

He turned away from the night, toward the Company, and the embers of the fire.

On the far side, furthest from the warmth and light of those embers, the burglar, exhausted and yet sleepless on this cold night huddled too far from the fire under a blanket made to be pretty more than it was made to be warm.

Thorin  left his own blankets and walked over to where Bella lay, on cold ground.

He sat down on his haunches beside her, and lifted the corner of her blanket.

She lay awake, huddled under it, with her knuckle dusters on her hands, balled into fists, the Elvin-dagger in one hand, and her own little dagger in the other.

“I see you are ready for any peril that would come upon us, this night, burglar.”

“Any but you, Mr. Thorin.”

“I am no peril to you, girl. You ought to have brought a warmer blanket, lass. In the next town, we’ll have to trade your pretty blanket for a more practical one.”

“I didn’t realize it would be so cold! It’s not as if we’re travelling in winter! It’s almost Midsummer’s Day, when will the nights begin to stay warm?”

“The nights are always cold, until July or August, this close to the mountains. Come with me, girl, closer to the fire, before you freeze your bare feet off.”

She was too tired and too cold to protest Thorin’s leading her back to his blankets.

Without really thinking, as Thorin settled his blankets onto both of them, and put his arm around her, Bella rested her head on his shoulder with a weary sigh.

“It’s not like you,  Mr. Thorin, to be so kind to me.”

“It’s very like me, my girl. You don’t know me well,  only as a mean old man, who scolds you at every turn. It is my fault and not yours that you think on me so.”

“I don’t  think so little of you for it, Mr. Thorin. Not really. I’m the last person you needed on this quest, I understand.”

“Gandalf thinks you are the first.  I should not be so hasty to dismiss his judgment.”

“Oh, now, Mr. Thorin, you don’t have to act as though you thought you were convinced as Gandalf is I’m some great hero, and that’s why you’ve got me snuggled under your blankets! I’m not so sure I even think I am. But I don’t have to be a great hero to know what it is that makes you want to be so kind to me, late at night, after everyone else is asleep.  Well, I don’t fault you for it. FilI’s a rake and a flirt, bless him, and Kili talks a big game, but neither of them have ever thought on how I might be freezing and lonely, have they?”

“Because they are yet boys, Bella. And you have long been a woman.”

“And what I need is a man, is that right? Well, another day I might have got on my high horse for your assuming it, Mr. Thorin. And I might have  got on my back legs and kicked. But I’m much too tired and too cold to argue the point. I hope you won’t be too angry if I fall asleep, would you?”

“I would not.”

She yawned.

“Good.” Bella said.

 

* * *

 

                                                                        ***

_Oh Eru, Eru who made Odin, and Odin who made us all, to think I’ve been putting him off, and now he’s going to be torn apart and eaten by trolls! They’ll rip his legs off, oh, all three of them! Think, Bella, think like a Took!_

“No! Don’t eat that one!” Bella shouted.

Bert dropped Kili, parasites and all.

“Listen, Miss, we’re not going to eat you, because you’re a lady. And I don’t care about his parasites in his tubes, so why shouldn’t I eat this one?”

“You can eat the rest of them, just not that one! I don’t care if you do eat the rest of them, but leave that one alone!” Bella wailed.

“’Ere Bert, she’s a young’un, and that one, he’s only got whiskers an’ no beard, he’s a young’ un. He’s prob’ly her sweetheart. We can’t just tear him all to pieces in front of her.” Tom said.

“Wouldn’t be right.” Bill agreed.

They agreed not to eat Kili and Bert reached back into the wriggling pile.

“Don’t eat that one, please,  Mr. Bert. He’s my older brother! My only brother! And we’ve only got a Mum at home and no Da. Don’t eat my brother!” Kili begged.

“Don’t eat the lad’s brother, Bert, where’s your manners!” Tom insisted.

Bert put Fili down, too.

“Awright, why don’t you just tell me if any of the rest of these fellas is related to you or the lady, and we’ll put them aside!”

“That one’s our uncle. We're his sister sons. He raised us.” Fili said, pointing at Thorin.

“And you don’t have a Da, so I can’t eat him…”

That was when Gandalf showed up, and turned all the trolls to stone.

No sooner were they out of danger than was Thorin berating them.

He was still tied up in the sack, shouting and Kili and Fili for losing the ponies, and then at Bella for almost getting them eaten by trolls.

“The Hobbit was the only one with the sense to play for time.” Gandalf reminded Thorin.

“We wouldn’t have got into this fookin’ mess with those bloody trolls if Kili and Fili were paying more attention to what I told them to do and less to that feckin’ baggage of a burglar! She’s already got Kili ensnared in her fringe, and if she hasn’t left him go ahead and have her, yet, she’s leading up to it, and then surely, Fili can’t be far behind!’ Thorin shouted.

“Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, that was an ugly thing to say! Especially about my Hobbit and your nephew!  You act as though it was a crime against humanity, some diseased and filthy thing for two young people, to develop feelings for each other! As if it was not in a young man’s nature to want to comfort and protect  a young woman, fatherless and far from home. As if it wasn’t perfectly normal for a lad and a lass their age to have a harmless little romance! You truly are a miserable old sinner, every bit the whoremaster I have heard you so called, to speak about  it in such a manner!  And your own nephew, too! Shame on you, Thorin! I, for one, am going to act as though I never heard you say that.” Gandalf chastised Thorin.

Kili looked so upset he thought he might cry, but, as Dwalin cut him out of the sack he was tied in, he quietly took Bella’s hand.

“Come on, Bella, let’s try and find me clothes, and then you and me and Fili can go and look for some of the ponies.”

“I’ve got our clothes, Kili. And that’s a fine idea. And, for your information, Thorin, I haven't done a damn thing with Kili. I like to get to know a man, very well, before I get...before I do anything...well, I’m not immune to it, but I’m not that easy, am I? And for another thing, you may be as a father to Fili and Kili, and the Chieftain to the rest of the Company, but you’re not the boss of me, Mr. Thorin Oakenshield! My Da was the boss of me, and since he died, I’ve become THE Baggins, of Bag End, and I’m me own feckin’ boss! Which means I’ll do what I like, and if you don’t like it, then I will go home! That would likely make Gandalf angry, and he might just go back with me, and then I’d like you see you find anything but your own hairy arse without your wizard, and your burglar!” Bella snapped.

She marched away, dragging Kili with her.

“Come on, Kili, let’s see if we can find the ponies, while His Royal Majesty tries to find his Royal Bunghole, without a map!”

“Wait a minute, Bella! I see what you’re about, Uncle Thorin! Just what you accused me of? Well, I’ll settle this, right now!”

Kili pulled his sword out of the pile of weapons, and tried to look as majestic as possible, standing there naked but for his loincloth, which he had hastily fastened on.

“I may be very nearly the youngest man here, but I am a man, and not a boy! And I’m the son of Lothinwaen the Bowman, and the nephew of Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror! And I’m telling you, all of you, with my sword in my hand, that I’ve been courting Miss Baggins, with the intent to marry her. And if any of you think it’s your business, or try to interfere, or steal Bella away from me? You’ll answer to me, and to my sword! Thank you, Bella, for saving my life, and all our skins. Let’s go look for those ponies.”

Kili gave Thorin a defiant look, and left, with Bella.

The rest of the Company busied themselves, pretending to be otherwise occupied.

“That’s tellin' you, Thorin.” Dwalin chuckled.

Fili gathered up his clothes, and Kili’s.

“That is telling you, Uncle Thorin. I think it’s a fine idea. If we did marry her, Kili and I?  I know Mum would love Bella. She’d finally have somebody else to help her tell you when to get down from your high horse. Before you get a nosebleed!” Fili commented.

“Get yourself going, you wolf’s whelp, before me foot finds it way up your royal bunghole! And when you see your brother, you tell him that’s all well and feckin’ good, but he can’t marry without my permission, for twenty years! And for twenty years, he won’t have it! Twenty years is a long time, Kili, son of Lothinwaen! We’ll see who proves himself to be the better man, you ungrateful pup, before twenty years is out!” Thorin shouted.

* * *

 

                                                            ***

The lads picked up a trail, and Kili and Fili followed it,  but  despite FilI’s, KilI’s, and Bella's best efforts, the great majority the ponies were utterly lost.

Elrocheth, however, was faithfully waiting for Bella, back at the campsite, and  Fili, Kili and Bella came back with the pack burros, so the whole disaster wasn’t a complete loss.

Thorin was furious with Kili, and Balin thought he might have to broker a truce between them.

But, like his father, Kili’s temper faded fast, and though he was a bit of a reckless lad, he had a good heart.

Before Thorin could take him aside and make his apologies, Kili went willingly, to speak to his Uncle, in private.

“Uncle, I’m sorry I had that outburst. It wasn’t directed to you. Not really. It’s just, well, you have so many women, don’t you? You and Fili. Women love you. All of them, it sometimes seems to me. Of all the races. Bella’s the only girl who’s ever really shown an interest in me. I think, that is, well, I…I might be in love with her. If you had a whole herd of goats, Uncle, and I only had one ewe, and one ram, and one kid, and you took my ewe from me, before her kid was even weaned? Wouldn’t that be worse than if I’d taken one of your herd of goats? What would you really have lost, when you’d taken all I had from me?”

Kili’s words almost moved Thorin to tears.

“Kili, my lad, if I was the man with only three goats, I’d give them all to you, and go naked and hungry. I know I’m a miserable old whoremaster, with a hard, black heart, but our burglar has touched my heart. I lost so much, when I lost my wife. All that remained to me, after the coming of the wurm, Azanulbizar took from me. You would not recognise me, for the man I was, when I had the good fortune to have you and Fili and your mother come back to my household. But I never dreamed that I might again… care for a woman. Especially not the daughter of that witch Belladonna Took, who  I wasn’t quite good enough for! But…never mind, Kili. I’m a fool. And old fool. I won’t stand in the way of your happiness.”

Thorin spoke evenly, and he arranged his features in a kingly mask of stoicism, but he could not banish the pain of his choice from his eyes.

Kili could see that.

“And I would not stand in the way of yours, Uncle Thorin.! Why did you not say that you loved Bella, too? Let Fili find his own wife. You and I, we’ve already found ours.”

That had torn it; now tears did run down Thorin’s face.

“You’re a good man, Kili, my lad. A better man than any son of my body ever would have been. You’re a good man, like your father was.”

Thorin put his hand on the back of Kili’s neck, and touched foreheads with him.

Kili started to cry.

Aloud.

“But I’m an old man, and I’m not the sort of man fit for marriage, anymore. If you and Fili have plans for our burglar, who am I to stand in your way?”

“Uncle Thorin, Fili has the same plans for Bella as he would for any other woman. I love her. I want to marry her.”

“Then you should. Don’t worry about me.  I won’t be lacking in a woman’s company."

"Uncle, you know, even some very respectable married women have...have a lover. i would look the other way. i doubt Fili would even notice. He wouldn't give up any of his women to marry Bella. I don't want you to lose your last chance to love and be loved."

"Kili, these are words we would have when our task is competed and we are sitting at the King's table, in my grandfather's household, in Erebor. So, we’ll have no more talk about all this, in front of all the men. Let’s see what we have left to us, with the pack ponies.”

 

* * *

                                            

 ***

The Company searched the area, and found some of their things, scattered all around, and after they brought their things back, re-arranged their packs, and re-packed the burros, they all wanted to rest.

Particularly those who had found something to gloat over, in their treasures from the troll horde.

But he Thorin drove them onward all that day.

They could not be too careful about there being other trolls in the area, he said.

Finally, when night fell again, they made camp.

Everyone was so exhausted they barely had the energy to eat before they slept, but Thorin hardly seemed tired.

He let Fili sleep, and took the watch.

Dwalin came and sat with him.

“I’ve made a fool of  meself, haven’t I? I must look like a stupid, vainglorious, jealous old man.”

“Not to the girl, I don’t think. She probably thinks you’re a miserable, mean, pompous old bastard. After all, you’ve never been anything but cruel to her, so she’d not be like to suspect you’ve got so angry because you’ve had your eye on her.” Dwalin observed.

“Balin says I ought to let it go. Before today, he saw something blooming between the Tookish lass, and Kili.”

“A blind man might have seen that, Thorin.”

“And Balin thinks I should bow out, quietly.”

Dwalin laughed.

“You? Bow out of the having of what you want, when it’s in your reach for the taking? Not so a long as a woman who marries one dwarf may marry two. Especially when Kili, earnest lad though he is, suffers from both shyness and inexperience. Deficits our burglar doesn’t share. She’ll be patient with him, and kind, but she may have more pressing matters she’ll need attended to. In the long interval of her patience and kindness” Dwalin laughed.

Thorin laughed, too.

“You know me too well, Dwalin. But what if Kili really loves the girl? I think she may be his One.”

“How should he know, Thorin? He’s nearly a raw virgin. Every lad thinks the first girl he lies with will be his One. And don’t listen to my brother. He’s so damned old, he can’t even remember what it’s like! Not to mention, when I walked through her front door, Miss Baggins feckin’ well looked me up and down, as if to say, well, you’re an old warhorse, but there’s life left in you. Life enough to do the chores, hereabouts, and keep my bed warm. Come in, then, beggar, I’ve got a few little jobs for you to do.”

“Aye, and if I’d been selling buttons at the door, I’d have sold them all in one place, and not been out on the road again until the following Spring! And a hard winter I would have had, with Little Miss Took, to be feckin’ sure!”

They laughed, together, and Dwalin sat with Thorin for the rest of the watch.

But after the watch, Thorin’s conscience grew heavy upon him, until he had to awaken his burglar.

Knowing, suddenly, what the right thing to do was.

* * *

 

                                                                        ***

“Wake up, Bella? We must speak.”

“You wanted to see me, Thorin?”

“Yes. I did. Take this, and go home, back to the Shire. It will cover your expenses for your way home and compensate you for the meal you provided us with, and for your trouble, so far. Nori is an excellent thief, your services are no longer required.”

Thorin pressed a small but hefty sack of coins into Belladonna Baggins’ hands.

“You’re dismissing me? You can’t dismiss me! Gandalf asked me to be a part of this Company!”

“The wizard is not the leader of this expedition, and he is not the boss of me! This is not the place for you, girl! You and your Tookish plaid walking kilt, and that little dagger you found that you’ve got proudly attached to your belt! You and your knuckle dusters in your coat pocket, and you little trophy on your mantle for winning boxing matches! You are out of your depth, my girl! I wouldn’t bring any of our warrior women on this quest, so why would I have you? You’re a bloody librarian! Go home, girl! Back to your half-Dwarrow huntsman all in green with his ready laugh and his pointed goatee! Back to your Bag End and your hearth and your chair and your three days a week in the Great Library at Michael Delving! In fact, go and take Kili with you. You are too young ad inexperienced and he is too young and reckless. This is no place for either of you. The wizard was wrong. So was I. Go, now, before it is too late!"

Bella threw the bag back at Thorin’s feet.

“I’m not going. I refuse. I have a signed contract, and I am resolved to see this thing through.”

Thorin stalked over to Bella.

Belladonna Baggins was about four feet tall, some height for a Hobbit and a woman, at that, but Thorin was very tall for a dwarf, five feet and three or four, the same height as short Man or Elf, but he was three times as broad and strong as an Elf and twice so as the average man.

And Thorin was burly, even for a Dwarf.

He was a man of great power and strength, having been first a journeyman blacksmith a second a warlord all his life.

He drew himself up to his full height, throwing back his head and shoulders, and puffing out his chest, he grabbed the Hobbit roughly by her arms and shook her.

“Thorin, don’t!! You’re scaring me, and hurting me!”

“You’ll do what I feckin’ tell you, woman! Those trolls might have snatched you up, and peeled off your clothes and torn you limb from limb, right in front of me! Or eaten you, alive, and screaming! Or pulled your skin off like you were a grape and roasted you to death! When I lie down to sleep, all I can see is your pretty, determined little face and all the ways those monsters might have slain you! You’ll go back to your Shire, my girl, even if I must turn back and take you to your door, me own self!” Thorin roared.

She didn’t even look a little bit scared.

Bella put on the same determined face she had to face down the trolls.

“Are you quite finished, Mr. Thorin? Because if you continue to manhandle me and shout at me, and be a big bully, I will deal with you as I have with all bullies, and plant my furry foot directly into your bollocks! Now, put me down! I’ll have a long walk, tomorrow, and I need to get some sleep. And don’t you try manhandling me again, or I’ll…”

Thorin put both of his arms around the burglar, pulled her close against his chest and kissed her, open-mouthed, in the middle of her protest.

She stood still for a moment, and thinking his advance was unwelcome, Thorin was about to part from her, but then the Hobbit put her arms around him and pressed her warm, curvy little body against his and kissed him back.

“Now I’m sure I don’t understand.”

“Do you want me to kiss you again, by way of explanation?”

“Yes, please!”

When he parted from her the second time, she let out this soft, singsong little sigh that made the hairs on the back of Thorin’s arms stand on end.

Among other things.

“So, you want me to stay, after all? Particularly with you, right now, as you stand watch?”

Thorin smiled at her.

“You know, Thorin for a man who is rich, and good-looking, and can have his pick of women. You really don’t smile, very much. You have a beautiful smile; it makes you look even more handsome when you smile, which is quite beyond belief. You ought to smile more often.”

“I should npt have kissed you, Little Miss Took! But you give me something to smile about, my girl. When I was a young man, fighting for the Shire with with Bullroarer Took,  I wanted to marry a girl who was half a Took. Neither her parents nor mine would allow it, but she was the first girl I ever made love to.  I’ve had many women, of all sorts, from all the races. And I still say there are no more brave, bright and beautiful than a little Tookish lass. And you, Belladonna Baggins, are the finest of your clan.”

                                                            ***

 

Bella decided, after Kili’s brush with death, indeed after all of them came so close to a horrible death,  that the usual rules, observed in the safety of polite society, weren’t worth much, on this quest.

She contrived a way, then, for her and Kili to be alone, on the full moon following the troll adventure, a few days later.

She took him and his blanket a little ways away from the camp, fully intending to surrender her virtue to him.

Only, Kili’s virtue was still intact, and he was a bit nervous about surrendering it.

Bella thought, the next night, about something Bertie had once told her.

Something about how a man never liked having a woman chase after him; he had to at least think it was his idea.

Bella decided, then, that she would be patient with Kili, and kind, and encouraging, but let him set the pace at which their courtship would proceed.

It was to be at a snail’s pace, though, and with two months having passed since she left the Shire, and two months and a fortnight since Bertie’s last visit?

The Took in Bella Baggins was running out of patience.

It was, therefore, a good thing for Kili that Fili had lost his blanket with his pony; if Bella was till sharing a blanket with Kili?

Well, he would have been made to hurry it up, a bit.

Bella went back to sleeping, curled up in her blanket, a short distance from the men, as usual.

But, oho, didn’t that wily old wolf Mr. Thorin come and asked if she wanted to share his blankets, again.

Bella wanted to pop up like a Jack-in-the-box, grab him by the hand, and drag him into his blankets, all the while trying to extract him from his complicated garments.

But, she decided to preserve her dignity, and go as serenely as he had the last time.

Besides, she was still a bit frightened, by him.

Mr. Thorin was a stern man, and he seemed rather hard-bitten, despite his air of kingly majesty. He certainly was  a hard man who had grown that way because the world had been hard to him.

She had seen him smile, and even laugh a little, with Dwalin, and even some with his nephews, but  not often.

He smiled at her, though, when he asked her to come to his blankets, and that last night, it had been comforting, having Thorin’s beefy blacksmith’s arm around her, and being nestled against his broad chest.

It was odd, because it made her feel safe in a way she hadn’t felt since her father had died.

This time he put both his arms around her, and held her tight against his body, moreso than on the night before.

“What are you about, Mr. Thorin? I didn’t know you and I were so well acquainted as this.”

“I ought to keep my hands off you, burglar. Kili professes to love you, and Fili is trying to court you. I’m an old man, a bitter old man. Old enough to be your grandfather. I have no right.” Thorin said, with a sigh.

“I have to admit, Mr. Thorin, I never thought of you, that way.”

“Well, the Heirs of Durin are slow to age, even for Dwarves. The Kings Under the Mountain have a habit of marrying Dokkalfari warrior women, and their blood has given our line unusual longevity. My grandmother,  Skadi, who raised my brother and sister and I, after our mother died giving birth to Dis? She was Dokkalfari. Most of us die in battle, before old age can take us, but my grandfather told me that he had an uncle who lived to be 400. The only Queen Under the Mountain, Olrun the Magnificent, was half-Dokkalfari, and she died in battle at the age of 600, without having yet grown so much as one grey hair. But though I have only a few streaks of silver, and have not dimmed in my vigor?  I am an old man, Bella, and I am tired. I have been old and tired and bitter since I was fifty and four years old, and this year I will be 196. I have no business, and no right, to meddle with a young woman, like you.”

“Well, I’m glad that’s settled then, Mr. Thorin. We can go to sleep. If that's what you want."

"It's not what I want. But I think it is what's best."

“Well, you're in charge, not I.  Good night, Mr. Thorin."

"Yes. Good night, burglar.”

* * *

 

                                                            ***

A funny thing happened to Mr. Thorin and his burglar, when they decided they would not become lovers.

They became friends, instead.

Bella rather liked Thorin, as a person, apart from his being a man.

He had some very good qualities, after all, and even his bad qualities as far as she could see, were not so bad.

Bella had discovered that Fili had his roguish sense of humor and his remarkably filthy mouth from  his Uncle Thorin.

And she was just as surprised that they didn’t wake the whole company laughing and talking under his blankets.

She had even gathered up the ingredients to make a traditional Tookish ointment for his rheumatism, which Thorin had been glad to accept.

As soon as the rest of the Company were either asleep, or politely pretending to be, or as soon as Kili was settled in his blankets, visions of perfect love dancing in his head, she went to Thorin’s blankets, and she’d rub the ointment onto his knees and his back, and sometimes comb and braid his hair.

Every night, Thorin always combed and braided Bella’s hair, and fixed the braids with braid clips made from some silvery metal, and turquoise.

And they would laugh, and talk, and curl up together, and sleep.

He was an old rogue, more of a wily old Dwarrow blacksmith than a prince or a king and he would probably be the better king, for it.

But the way Thorin took on with her, during the daylight hours, confused Bella.

 “Keep up, burglar! Stop dawdling about on that pony of yours! Must you collect every herb and plant we walk past? If you want to stop and pick the flowers, you can do so, as much as you like, on your ride home!” Thorin snapped.

“Don’t be so mean to Bella, Uncle! She’s doing the best she can!”

“Aye and she did her best to see to it you and your brother lost the ponies! Don’t you give me any of your lip, Fili, my lad, or you’ll walk Bella back to the Shire and then you and Kili and the girl can all play house together,  for all I care!”

Bella never liked it when Thorin was curt with her, but Gandalf noticed that, lately, she looked particularly stung by his meanness.

“He doesn’t really mean it, Bella. Thorin feels he has to be stern with everyone.” Gandalf told her.

“He’s always more stern with me, the miserable old bastard!” Bella sniffed.

Once they had camped, she was about to get into her blankets when he made his lordly appearance, grabbing her blanket and pack.

“You’ll come with me, girl, on my watch. You’ve proven yourself to be trustworthy, and I require a woman who is trustworthy to comb and braid my hair. Well?”

Thorin reached out his hand, and feeling, well, commanded, Bella took it.

She was going to read him the riot act, but as soon as they were by the campfire built for the watch, Thorin put her things down, pulled her into his arms and kissed her, his hands already under her clothes.

Bella gave him a shove.

“What do you call this, then? You were rotten as usual to me, all day, and now that we’re in camp, you’re all over me? Go fuck yourself, you miserable old prick! I’m tired of you act! Go fuck an orc, you mean bastard!” Bella snapped.

“Bella, my lass, I can’t give you special treatment in front of the Company. We’re all equal.”

“Bugger special treatment! I didn’t say I wanted you to purchase a large pink cushion stuffed with the arse hairs of unicorns and feckin’ carry me around on it, did I? Or a large pink powder puff to powder my arse after I take a step! You’re not a right orc’s cunny to anybody else but me! Well, let me tell you something, Thorin Oakenshield, and I’ll say it plain and simple. You’re not a bad sort, but you’re not the best of men, with your kit on, are you? I’ve not known you with it off, but I’ll bet if I did, I’d understand why it is women like you so much!"

Again, Thorin was all smiles.

He even laughed.

“I am guilty, Belladonna Baggins, as you have charged me. With being a mean, miserable old prick. And a bastard. I shout at you, and snap at you, because I am concerned for you and I am angry with myself that I am concerned. I am even angrier with myself that I have let you get to my head, and to my loins, and I worry that your will soon find your way into my heart. I wish I could have met you when I was a young man Fili’s and Kili’s age, and not yet a mean, miserable old orc’s cunny of a warlord and a whoremaster. But I am what I am, Bella, my girl. And if you want me, you must take me as I am. You see, though, that I am not always a mean bastard. And I will try not to be so abrasive to you, in front of the men. Middle Earth is full of women who loathe me, but love my cocksmanship, and I don’t much care how most of them feel about me, as long as I am welcome in their beds. But I would hate it, if that was the way you felt about me. I have tried to mortify it, but you must know that since I met you, there has been a fire in my blood for you, and the better I have come to know you, the more I have burned. Your mother is a Tookish witch, and whether you practice or not you have her witch's blood, witch, I know you do,  for all the way I burn for you!”

“My mother told me about you. Every Tookish woman’s mother tells her about the Master Blacksmith. As if you were the Devil, himself? And the better I come to knwo you, the more I believe you are. It’s against my better judgement to like you, with or without your clothes on, but well, I…I’ve never met a man like you, Thorin. I think you’ve got me over a barrel.”

“Trust me, my little Tookish lass. I will never take advantage of you, or do harm to you, or break your heart.”

“I hope not.”

* * *

 

But, Bella could never be sure if he had any real regard for her,  or if she was just a bit of fluff to be a fresh audience for his stories, with a few fine tales of her own.

Bella was a practical girl, for all her Tookishness and she didn’t expect that Thorin was in love with her, or that he should be, or indeed ever would be, but it would be nice to know if he had any feeling for her other than the obvious ones.

The whole matter, however, came to a head after the Company had retreated to a cave, after being attacked by a pack or marauding Orcs.

Bella was terrified, and largely unarmed, but she had done her part, slipping on her knuckle dusters and engaging two of the orcs with her fists.

One of them ran right into Bofur’s maul, and the other she managed to stick her dagger in, so, all in all, she thought that she had done as well as could be expected.

Thorin, however, didn’t seem to think so.

He shouted at Kili for lingering too long before seeking shelter, and shouted at Fili for being a piss poor lookout.

He even shouted at Gandalf, for taking them through orc-infested lands.

But he saved his most vehement shouting for Bella.

“And you, burglar, battering at full grown orcs with your little fists, as if you were in some feckin Hobbit boxing match! Well, you’re not in the Shire, anymore, girl, though now I wish I had left you there! In the future, when danger comes, run, and hide yourself, as well and as fast as you can. I don’t have manpower to spare to keep you safe when you get in the way! Leave the fighting to us, burglar, your feckin’ fisticuffs won’t do you much good in a real fight!”

Everyone, even Gandalf, got very quiet, and began to take a great interest in the quality and nature of their shoes.

Bella did a slow burn, but that slow burn burst into a high flame.

This was too much to bear.

The knuckle dusters were still on her hands, and her hands balled themselves up into fists, again.

Before she could think better of it, she threw a punch at Thorin, landing her fist in the spot between his jaw and his ear.

He was a strong enough man that it didn'tknock him cold, like it did most, but it knocked him right on his pompous arse.

Thorin looked so surprised to be on the ground, rubbing his jaw, that Bella would have laughed, if she had not been so angry.

“Why you miserable feckin’ bastard! Never in my life have I met such a mean, odious, cold, unfeeling prick as you, Thorin bloody Oakenshield! It’s no wonder you’ve had to take your business to hundreds of different women, the way you take on!  I don’t know much about Dwarves, but I’m sure, in all races a man is, at the very least, meant to show respect and common decency to the woman who’s taken him under her blankets! Especially an old man, who’s got himself a girl on the string young enough to be his grand-daughter! I could have damn well spent my evenings teaching your Kili a thing or two, or letting your Fili teach me a thing or two, and I know them both to be fine lads and good men who wouldn’t make me regret it! And I am damned glad I have not succumbed to the temptation to lie with you, so that I can tell you that you might as well go fuck yourself, as you sit on your pompous old arse,  for all I care, you son of an orc’s warg!”

Thorin was at a complete loss for words.

Kili looked as though he might faint, Dwalin laughed behind his hand, Fili laughed out loud and both Dori and Oin looked at Thorin and shook their heads.

“Well said, Miss Baggins. And if you’ll permit me, we’ll go and see  what’s in the light at the end of the cave.” Gandalf interjected.

Bella went with him.

“Was that an awful thing to do, Gandalf? Because I can’t help but feel that Thorin deserved it.”

“It was not the wisest of actions, Bella Baggins. But you are right. He richly deserved it.”

 


	3. Rivendell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our heroes consume a large quantity of veg, but there is some chicken among them, and Miss Belladonna Baggins surrenders to her fate.

 

** Chapter Three: Rivendell **

Rivendell was everything Bella had ever expected it would be, and more.

The stories that her mother, and her grandfather, The Old Took, had told her about it, they did not do it’s beauty justice.

But, Thorin seemed to think that this beautiful place of culture and learning was fraught with dangers, because he and the Dwarves huddled together,  as if they were being attacked by orcs, again, when Lord Elrond and some of his guardsmen returned from their hunt.

Thorin grabbed her, lifting her off the ground and shoved her behind him.

“What are you about, now? What’s going to happen to me, in a place like this? It’s more beautiful than I ever could have imagined!”

“And more dangerous for you, Little Miss Took!  Stay there, out of sight of these rough men!” Thorin ordered her.

However, despite his mistrust of Lord Elrond and his motives, all the Elf king did was to offer Thorin and Company an invitation to stay, at the very least, for dinner, and, indeed, to stay for a few days, and rest and re-provision.

Bella managed to shove past Thorin, while he was accepting the offer.

“Excuse me,  thank you very much, Mister Thorin. Lord Elrond, I am Belladonna Baggins, the daughter of Belladonna Took, and the Grand-daughter of Gerontius Took. I had meant to make this journey, years before, but, life being what it is…what I mean to say is that i have taken over the position of Historian and the Great Library, in Michael Delving, and I was wondering if, while I was here, I might be allowed access to your libraries.”

“I am extremely pleased to make your acquaintance, Miss Baggins. You look very like your mother. We had news that my dear friend, Gerontius went to his reward, but I hope that Belladonna your mother is still living.”

“Mum is alive and well.”

“And she knows that you are on an errand with Dwarves?”

“Well, you know, she wasn’t too happy about that. Especially not with Thorin Oakenshield.  But it’s an expedition Gandalf arranged, so she was alright with my going. Not that, at my age, I need my mother’s approval.”

“Indeed, Miss Baggins. Of course, you may have access to the Great Library. On any occasion that you wish it. It has been too long since I have had Tooks about. Lindir, please make sure that Gerontius’ grand-daughter gets a cool, airy, Hobbit-sized room. And a seat at my table, this evening.”

“Certainly, Lord Elrond.”

Bella felt like turning around and sticking her tongue out at Thorin, or giving him the two-finger salute, or some other rude gesture, but she resisted the temptation.

* * *

 

                                                           

***

After all those weeks on the road, I can’t tell you how nice it was to have a room all to myself, with a bed in it, and a w.c., and all, with hot water in the tub.

And a door to lock, four walls and a roof, and a nice balcony to walk out onto.

And no snoring, scratching, burping, farting, shuffling, singing, muttering, griping, laughing, talking, singing Dwarves.

The first thing I did was take a very long bath, and then, a very long nap.

I was awakened from that by a knock on my door.

It was a chambermaid, and she had brought me a very nice dress, blue, with a gathered scoop-necked bodice, an empire waist a sliver sash, and bell sleeves that were silver on the inside.

It was from Lord Elrond, and not just to borrow, either,  it was a gift to welcome me.

Gandalf escorted me to dinner, and when I came into the dining hall, I got a chorus of cheers and hoots from the Company, sitting at a different table.

I laughed, and curtsied.

I thought for sure that I would get the cold shoulder from Thorin, but he surprised me.

He stood up, regally, and drew himself up to up to his full five feet and four inches, though he might have been seven feet tall, in the height of his kingly majesty.

Thorin strode over to us, bowed his head, slightly and as he raised it, offered me his hand.

I was at a loss for what to do, so I took Thorin’s hand.

“May I have the honor and pleasure of escorting you to table, Miss Baggins.” he asked.

“You may.” I said.

Thorin pulled my chair out, for me to sit in, and pushed it back in, once I sat down.

He made a point of sitting next to me, too.

Most of the conversation at our table was stilted and formal, but it was a great step forward for relations between the Dwarves and the Elves when Lord Elrond presented Orcrist to Thorin.

Meanwhile, over at the other table, the lads were getting drunk and rowdy.

Neither Thorin or Lord Elrond seemed disturbed by it.

But Thorin was about to be disturbed, for it seemed that Kili was a lot more wily and like his uncle than Thorin gave him credit for.

 “Excuse me, Uncle. Pardon me, Gandalf. And excuse my intrusion, Lord Elrond. But, it seems the men are determined to be drunk and disorderly, tonight, and some of these serving girls look like they’re glad for it. I am going to retire, now, Miss Baggins. Perhaps you ought to, as well. May I escort you to your room?” Kili asked.

He pulled back my chair and offered me his hand.

I took it.

“Yes, thank you, Kili. I think I might need a gallant escort.” I replied.

Thorin looked at both of us like we had ten heads.

And Kili and I managed not to laugh until we were out of Lord Elrond’s dining hall.

“You’re not mad at me, are you, Kili?” I asked him.

“I might have told you that my Uncle’s blood is hot, but he can seem like his heart is cold. Now, considering that you have your own rooms, and there can be two locked doors between us, and the Company, wasn’t there something you’d been meaning to show me?”

“And weren’t there a few things you’d been meaning to show me?”

We laughed, again, and went to my rooms.

* * *

 

                                                            ***

“Did you see that? I’ll be damned, by both my beards! The lad played at being a fool with an empty codpiece, to drive the girl under my blankets. Knowing I’m not likely to be the most gallant of swains when I have a Company to command. And then, he turns me into the villain, and himself into the knight in shining mithril, and steals me burglar, out from under me own feckin nose!” Thorin exclaimed.

“And you’re angry, Thorin?” Gandalf asked.

“No. I’m proud of the boy! He’s finally becoming a man. I knew all it would take was a good woman. And there’s no better woman, for good or for bad, than a Took.” Thorin commented.

“I would raise my glass to that, Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror. And I do know that Dwarf custom would permit you and your nephew to marry the same woman. But, does it not trouble you at all? Miss Baggins, and your nephew?” Lord Elrond asked.

Thorin very nearly laughed his sip of wine out of his nose, in a most un-kingly fashion.

Indeed, he began to laugh, in a most un-kingly fashion.

“I am sorry, Lord Elrond! I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at the very feckin’ idea that a beardless boy could turn a woman’s head from me. Especially after I’ve had her. Why, if Kili wasn’t me own nephew, he couldn’t even make the Hobbit see past me to look at him! I may not be all that you’ve heard I am that’s bad, but anything you’ve heard about me, and women, and my ways? It’s all true, and then some, for the parts your subjects have been too shy to tell their king about! Even when I don’t want women to go mad over me, they do. Every time they lie down with a man, for the rest of their lives, they’re thinkin’ to themselves, but he’s not Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain, is he? Even if it was Fili, I wouldn’t be troubled. Elves might live forever, but seek the might of men, and men might seek to trade their might for an Elf’s magic, but I’ve got all the might and all the magic any man or Elf would  ever need, and the day I lose sleep over a woman coming back to me is the day they’ll seal me in my tomb.” Thorin pronounced.

In his defence, he was a bit drunk, by this point.

But, Lord Elrond and Gandalf were a little tipsy, too.

Gandalf laughed, uproariously.

“Well spoken, Thorin. But I wouldn’t sit so high up, on my high horse, if I were you.”

“Quite right. After all, she is a Took.” Lord Elrond agreed.

Thorin shook his head, laughed into his cup, and had another drink.

“It’s charity, that’s what it is.. But all the gods of the Aesir and the Valar only know, my Kili needs it."

* * *

 

                                                            ***

Thorin’s heart may have been cold where his blood was hot, but though Kili had both a warm heart and hot blood, he had a bad case of cold feet.

When he escorted me back to my rooms, and I closed the door behind us, Kili looked at me the way a deer looks at a bowman with an arrow pointed at it from a thicket.

You know I had to stand in front of the doorway, and block his hasty exit.

“Kili, we’re not going to get a better chance. You said it, yourself. Here I am, with a room of my own,  and a door we can lock behind us, and a nice, big, soft bed. What about whatever it was you got up to with your Gudrun? After all, Minas Tirith wasn’t built in one day, was it? We can start, there.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that, Bella. You seem like a far more decent woman…and they were such terribly dirty things.”

Kili blushed, when he said it.

And the way he blushed, well, it made it difficult for me to take Bertie’s advice.

Meanwhile, I had never seduced a fellow in my life; I wasn’t sure how to go about it.

But I had a go, and after I slowly untied my sash and let it fall to the floor, I started slowly unlacing the ties that gathered the front of my dress.

“Kili, if Eru who made me meant me to be a decent woman, he would have given me a different body than the one I have. You’d be surprised the kind of terribly dirty things that I am quite interested in.”

Poor Kili just stood there, like his feet were rooted to the ground, watching my every move.

So, I kept on going.

Maybe I should have let my dress drop to the floor instead of pulling it over my head, and I suppose I shouldn’t have stopped to hang t over a chair, but it was the nicest dress I’ve ever had.

Anyway, it didn’t seem to break the spell over Kili; he was sweating like it was as warm in the cool, moonlit room as it was outside in Elrond’s gardens.

“I think you might be getting overheated, Kili. Let me take off your coat.”

I unfastened Kili’s belt, and the closures on his coat, and he shrugged himself out of it and threw it aside.

That was progress.

He stared, longingly, at the laces that kept up my drawers and kept my chemise closed.

“Bella?” he said.

“Yes, Kili?’ I asked him, trying to sound alluring.

“I…I have to go. Its’ not that I don’t…I…I just…can’t. Not here. Not…like this. I…I...I have to go.”

Kili stammered out a few more syllables of nonsense, and then he was gone.

Now I am not a profane woman, not really, and I’m not very imposing at all.

So I was left wondering how I had managed to scare Kili away, and pondering just how far my patience with him would go.

The Took in my was outraged, but I let my cool Baggins head prevail over my Tookish heart.

I hung up the dress, put some clean clothes on, and went down to the kitchen, to scare up a little more dessert.

Then I went back to my rooms, intent on having another bath, and a few pastries, and then after reading for awhile in the tub, I decided I would go to bed.

Accepting my defeat with grace and quiet dignity?

Fat chance.

What i was probably going to do was splash water all over the floor of the bath and scream when the water was on so no one could hear me, and then I would stuff my face with sweets until i was stuffed, and quite probably wake up at three in the morning with an upset stomach.

Oh, well.

As Bertie used to say?

Sing as you go.

                                                            ***

Thorin had some other business on his mind, after Lord Elrond had said he would look at the map, the next night.

 “Lord Elrond, there is something else I would ask of you.”

“This is the first visit we have had here in Rivendell from our age-old allies in the Blue Mountains, from a Lord of Belegost in, well, ages. Please, ask.”

“I have encountered a complication, on  this journey. I have met a young woman. While it is true she is fatherless, her clan is allied to my people, and I am known to her kin. I hadn’t made plans for courtship, but…when does a man find he cares for a woman that it is not an ill-timed surprise? I would ask if I might use your forge, and buy a trifling amount of raw materials from you. Also, do your people have a market. I have gold, and goods I could trade.”

“We have not hosted a Dwarrow Master Blacksmith in our forges for a thousand years. There is much, I dare say, my younger craftsmen could learn from your skill, Thorin Oakenshield. If you would allow some of the apprentices to watch you work, them what material you need. I would not dream of charging you for. As for a market, we have individual craftsmen who do much of their work upon commission. What were you thinking of?”

“I need a seamstress, a cordwainer  and a furrier. Our Hobbit has a valiant heart, but she is not prepared for a journey half way across Arda. She needs clothes, a sturdy leather pack, a belt, and jerkin, and blankets and a cloak made for harsh weather and harsh cold.”

Lord Elrond frowned.

“Those are oddly practical gifts. Was she outfitted with nothing for your long journey?”

“Her Elvin pony has been loyal to her, and a fine and worthy mount. But, other than the pony, Miss Baggins packed her wit, her resolve, and her good cheer well. The rest was feckin’ shoddy, to be blunt.”

“One might think that Gandalf would think on these matters, before he appointed the Hobbit to your party.”

“Wily, wasn’t he? To show up on the doorstep of a lonely, fatherless girl, living in a big, silent house with only Baggins’ ghost to keep her company. He offers her ten fathers and two strapping young men who would make fine husbands, and the adventure her Tookish heart had been pining for. I find myself thinking, more and more, of poor old Bungo Baggins. The man must have been a saint to marry Belladonna Took.  No man would stand up to take his place, or none that Bella would trust, as she trusted her father. I will stand in his shoes, and take responsibility for the girl. When she is of age, I’ll marry her to Kili. Even if all they both want is to be the Bagginses of Bag End. But I am also the Lord of the Ered Luin, of New Belegost. I hope to live as long as the longest lived of my fathers, so that Bella will not have to lose the man she had put her trust in, for the rest of her life.”

“That sounds like you would marry her, yourself, when your nephew does.”

“I’m no man fort to be a husband to any woman, not anymore. Especially not to a young woman. Even the most well-behaved wife has a lover, if she has two husbands, after all. I know, I’ve been the man coming around back behind the barn to the kitchen door far longer than I was the man coming  up the path to the front door through the garden gate. I’m content to keep that place, and let Kili be the knight in shining mithril.”

“Time will tell, on that, Thorin Oakenshield. But still, I agree with you that Gandalf might have better prepared Miss Baggins, if not in mind, then at least in provisions.”

 “It seems to me, more and more as my journey goes on that that Tharkun’s vision ends at the tip of his staff. He is quite good at planning great deeds, and putting their accomplishment into motion,. But it is the mundane details along the way that elude him. Probably because out of all the five wizards, he is the only one who dies want he is meant to do in Arda. Saurman the White can’t be bothered, Radgast the Brown means well, but he’s not capable of it, and I expect you and Thranduil have met the blue wizards, but who else in Arda has seen them, in three ages?” Thorin replied.

Lord Elrond smiled, but did not laugh.

“That is all truer than you know, Thorin. But, it is also true that Miss Baggins has Tookish kinfolk in large amounts, all of whom know you, by name and reputation, who would raise quite a hue and cry, unto my very doorstep, if they thought that you were anything less than chivalrous with Belladonna Baggins, Mistress of Big End, Chief Historian of the  Shire Library at Michael Delving. And if I, as a friend and ally of the Clan Took, in general, and Bella’s mother and grandfather, and great-grand-uncle in particular, were any less than chivalrous? The Thain of the Shire would press his grievance even unto the White Council, itself. I hope then, that you will allow me to make gifts to the Tooks, of my artisans’ services.”

"I accept you gracious gift. And I have been chivalrous, Lord Elrond. To a point to set my teeth on edge, and rob me of sleep at night. But I have been chivalrous. May Mahal grant me the strength to continue to be a gentleman, and grant my nephew the strength to stop being one!"

Lord Elrond almost laughed, thinking to himself that Thorin would count himself lucky, getting everything he wanted without paying a cent.

Among other things.

"A man, of whatever race, Dwarves, Elves or the race of Men, can only be so chivalrous. For so long. But you you think, Thorin Oakenshield, whether you continue to be chivalrous, or not,  Do you think Belladonna Took will let you get away, without marrying her daughter?”

“Do you think the witch will live so long?”

“To see her only daughter married? Belladonna Took will live as long as need be.”

Thorin laughed, now.

“As you said, Lord Elrond. Only time can tell.”

                                                            ***

Belladonna Baggins was a very resourceful girl, with a dignified resolve and a certain quality of spunky fortitude that Thorin found admirable.

So, he was quite surprised, when he knocked on her door to bid her good night that it was not entirely shut, and not only was Kili nowhere in sight, Bella was sitting on the end of her bed with a large basket of goodies she had stolen from the kitchen, visibly upset and obviously intent on eating them all.

Thorin came in, closed the door and sat with Bella in her bed.

He moved the basket from beside her and put it beside him, and out of her reach.

“You’ll get a terrible belly-ache. And you hated the taste of Oin’s remedy for that.”

“But I’m still hungry. All we had for dinner was salad, cheese, bread, and fruit. That’s not dinner!”

Thorin raised his eyebrow.

“I don’t think it’s food you’re hungry for, Little Miss Took. My nephew is a fool. But he’s also just a boy, and a shy lad, at that. I suppose this basket of pastries is the Baggins form of going to bed with a bottle, and spending the whole night alternately swearing and crying. Well? Is it?”

Bella looked a little ashamed.

She nodded.

“Would you like me to stay with you for awhile?”

“As long as we don’t talk about Kili. I’m going to continue to be patient with him for as long as I can. But I can see why he hasn’t a lot of girlfriends. There’s’ only so patient anyone can be, you know, Thorin. Even a woman.”

“Oh, especially a woman. Women are used to getting what they want from men. Men are used to the opposite. And I don’t know about the patience of Bagginses, but I do know that Tooks have very little patience, indeed. Come on, burglar. If I know Bombur, he has something stored up. Let’s go to the lads’ dormitory and see if there’s anything cooking.”

* * *

 

***

In the morning, I had my breakfast with Fili and Kili, to make sure that Kili knew I wasn’t angry with him.

I was confused as hell, but I wasn’t angry.

For once, however, I had something more pressing to worry about than the chronically unmet needs of my poor little body.

I spent my second day at Rivendell happily in the Great Library, and the evening reading a few books, gloriously alone in my room.

I had dinner for two sent to my room, ate it all myself, and read until I felt quite sleepy, then I went to bed.

I had long been sound sleep in the big soft bed when Thorin came bounding through the door.

He was leaping around the room as giddy as a drunken man, and he picked me up out of bed and spun me around.

“It’s a map right to the secret door, Bella, in moon runes!  By both Mahal’s beards, my girl, before the year is out, I will sit on my grandfather’s throne, and I’ll have you in jewels and mithril and gold from head to toe!  You’ll be the mistress of a king and not a blacksmith, mark my fookin’ words!”

Eventually, though, he thought better of himself, put me down, and regained his composure.

I must say, I was a bit disappointed, at that.

“I have been thinking on what you said, Bella  in your rebuke of me, and you were right, girl. I’ve behaved like an oaf. You are a fine young woman, from a fine family, and I have no business treating you the way I have. But I can make up for the way you've been courted. Or rather, the way you haven’t. I’ve arranged with Lord Elrond to have you measured for some good, sturdy, hard-wearing clothes, and for blankets good for travelling and sleeping rough. Even a new pack.  And I have in mind, a few little gifts I would make for you, my burglar, as soon as the Elven blacksmith fires up the forges of Rivendell, come the morning. Further, I promise I will not treat you with any favor  above the rest of the Company, but I will not be rude and coarse with you, if only to deny to myself what I know to be true.”

Oho, now we were getting somewhere.

“And what would that be?” I interrupted.

Thorin looked annoyed.

“I was just getting to that! I do care for you, girl, and I feel for your plight. Losing your father and havin’ to take on the responsibilities of a mature man in middle age. And not just that, but to lose your Da, to have the safety and security of his household, and his care and his love, torn from you. Then, to find yourself the target of every mother’s son who want to cash in on your fortune? Well, I’m old enough to be your father, aren’t I, Bella? Maybe you need a father and a lover, both, my girl. I would offer to marry you, myself, of course, but I can’t go and live in the Shire. That and I’m not fit for marriage, to any woman, let alone a young girl, with her whole life ahead for her. You ought to marry a man your own age.  I can Promise you to young Kili, though. I can tell he is already sick for the only home he’s ever known, and it’s his brother who will inherit my throne. Only, I would hope to see you and my sister son, for frequent visits to the Lonely Mountain.”

I didn’t really know what to say to that.

“I don’t know how you’ve looked into the most secret places in my heart, and found how I’ve felt since Da died, but I do, and I have felt , well, alone in the world, since he’s been gone.”

I was sorry that I had blurted that out.

But Thorin seemed to understand.

“Now you don’t have to. At Bag End, I told Gandalf I’d not be responsible for you safety, but I take that back. I will be, Bella, my lassie. To the end of my life. And my nephew after me.”

“But what about Bertie?”

“Oh, I’m not too worried about him, my lass. I’m sure he’ll be around. Whether you can find it in your heart to marry Modi’s son, or not. Speaking of my nephew, I am surprised that I didn’t blunder into your rooms to find him here with you. Have you got him hiding on the balcony?” Thorin joked.

I sighed, a little more heavily than I wanted to.

“I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he was hiding under his bed, for fear that I was coming after him.”

Thorin laughed.

“Don’t press the lad. Be patient, and let him think it’s all his idea, as you ever so gently push him along.”

 It was a lovely summer night, and the moon was so very full, again.

It only made me feel more depressed.

“And what am I meant to do, while I am so patient with Kili? Some adventure this has turned out to be! I’ve been cold, and hungry, and almost eaten by trolls and slaughtered by orcs.!And I know it might be indelicate for me to complain about it, but if all that isn’t bad enough, here I am, in a beautiful place, on a beautiful night, utterly bereft of male companionship! If I had not given you my word, Thorin? If your Quest was not of such great importance? I’d call it a bad business, and go straight  home.”

“I would not blame you if you did, Bella. However, I think I may be able to persuade you, otherwise. For I have thought on the matter, long and hard. I have no business taking you for my mistress. None at all. But, after all, I am not like other men. I am a King, and a warlord, and I have always been the sort of man who pays little attention to what it’s his business to do. Or do not. I prefer to take what I want.”

Thorin hauled me into his arms.

“And I want you, my girl.”

The tone Thorin used was somewhere between the one he spoke in while he was panting sweet nothings in my ears while we slept, and his most commanding tone for when I was lagging behind.

It had the odd effect on me of making me snap to attention, and putting the fire on, down below.

 “Let’s have a look at you, then, Little Miss Took, in the moonlight.”

He locked the door and then all of the sudden, he was  taking off his clothes, so I took mine off.

Sharpish.

Now Thorin and I had done a bit of what my father used to call ‘heavy petting”, when I was a young girl, and Da always told me not to engage in it, outside the bonds of matrimony.

Sorry Da.

But I am, after all, a Took, and not just a Baggins.

But even so Thorin hadn’t seen me naked, before, and I had never seen him naked, and he had never touched me, nor had I touched him, below the waist.

But naked he was, as the day he was born, standing at the foot of the bed wearing nothing but  his tattoos, and the smirk on his face.

And the leather bag around his neck, which contained his sheath.

By all the gods, what a man he was!

I had seen him stripped to the waist before, in his smithy, with his powerful barrel chest and broad shoulders, and his thickly muscled blacksmith’s arms, as burly and hairy almost as a bear.

Oho, but, at least to my eyes, he had such long legs, thicker than his arms, and more powerful; narrow hips and massive sinewy thighs, long, muscular calves, thick as the trunks of string oaken saplings.

And not to say the least that his second beard was more luxuriant than his first, and with my own eyes I saw the blacksmith’s long, thick, heavy hammer rear itself upright and to a dimension that would make any woman cry to see such a beautiful thing, to be a joy, forever.

I had no words for him, I only sat up on my elbow and reached my arms out for him.

And Thorin came to me, something between a laugh and a snarl rumbling up out of his chest as he laid us both back into his blankets.

First, he pulled off my nightshirt, leaving me quite gloriously naked, and then he seized my mouth in a fierce and insistent kiss.

Then I said something terribly romantic.

“By Odin’s eye, Thorin, it’s been such a long time. You had better be the man they say you are, or I will just die of frustration and disappointment.”

Thorin, of course, replied in kind.

“I am twice the man they say I am, Little Miss Took. And I intend to ruin you, this night. From now on, whenever you lie with a man who is not me, even as you clasp him against your body at the height of your pleasure, you will be thinking the same thing. That he is not Thorin Oakenshield,.”

At least what Thorin said sounded rather more poetic, but then again, he had much more experience in all that sort of thing, than I had.

Thorin was only the second man I had ever made love to.

No, I stand corrected.

Bertie was a boy; Thorin was the only man I had ever made love to.

Thorin meant to show me that what I had thought in my night-time imaginings were the wickedest of his wicked ways had only been figments of my naïve imagination.

Oh, he had me now, and he had  all the time he wanted to show me what it was that some women would claim as black magic that sprang from his loins, and bound them to him, so that they would not forget him for twenty years, even if he had spent only one night with him.

I was going to learn how it was different to fuck a man , not a boy, and why some called him Thorin Whoremaster, and he would take his time teaching me.

I could have, perhaps I should have, fought him, every step of the way, but then again.  I didn’t want to fight the man, I wanted to fuck him, but in as fierce a battle as if I had fought him.

Oh I fucked hard, but not so hard as Thorin; and he wasn’t generous in his victories.

Lifting his face from between my legs, which trembled from toe to trunk like I’d been struck by lightening and laughing.

“Go ahead and scream, Bella, my girl. Scream for your Chieftain. Let them all know that you are mine.”

I did scream, too, and then I dissolved into a jellified pool of satisfaction.

Thorin rolled me like I was made of formless dough, onto my hands and knees, and knelt over me, in his rampant lust and most kingly majesty, cooing to me in Khuzdul, stroking my hair as he inched my head closer to his cock, and his cock closer to my head.

I didn’t close my eyes, but I looked into his as I went to work on making him scream.

Thorin meant to keep the upper hand; but I can work the muscles in my neck and my jaw as well as a snake, and I did, for all we were both worth.

Thorin’s hand became a fist in my hair, and he made that sound again, that rumbling, laughing, growling snarl as I inched forward, until I had all of him and I was snuffling around in his second beard.

I don’t know if his eyes were closed in perfect, thick, rigid ecstasy, but mine were.

I’s not very romantic, or even very sexy, but he had to pinch my nose shut so I couldn’t get anymore air to make me roll onto my back, but I’m glad he did, because since he’d made me come my lot, I ached inside for him.

Ravenously.

He pressed his sheath into my hand.

“I’ll have your sweet hungry  little cunny before I have your sweet, hungry little mouth, you little monster. Roll it on with your hands, burglar; I’m doing the fucking, here.”

Oho, Thorin, but I can rob you of your composure just as well with one as the other, but he robbed me of my composure, finding my rhythm with his thrusts; lifting me higher as I slung my legs as high and tight around his waist as they would go.

And I pushed back, rocking my hips furiously against his fucking of me.

Thorin snarled and grunted and swore and I keened and screamed and howled; we rolled and sweated and slammed the bedposts against the wall and the bedstead against the floor, knocking the candlesticks on the end table about the room, flinging pillows and bedding everywhere.

He had me, alright, and he had me so that I’d remember his fucking a hundred years after he died, if I was to live that long, and mourn his loss on every one.

But I had him, too; I know I did; I’m not one to just le there and let even a master do all the work.

The first time I had come with him, it was easy, but his fucking of me was hard and this time I was going to come my lot in it just as hard.

I gritted my teeth and pounded my fist on the pillow and locked all my muscles around him, close, so close, and fearing, practically begging him not to spend himself, just yet.

And he found enough breath to chuckle at me, again.

“I’m not some stupid feckin’ boy, Bella my lass; you don’t have to beg me girl. I know just how to fuck a screaming little hellcat like you.”

He did, too, and I came my lot good and hard, and over and over, and then I was the molten pile of satisfaction I had been, the first time.

I looked at Thorin with lazy lust, watching him pull his sheath off the end of his cock with a pop and a flourish, and I had my hands on his cock and my lips gasping for it, before he even was stroking my hair, again.

Now he wanted the pleasure of my mouth, and I gave it to him, as much as he wanted, for him spending once, and twice, and I laughed like a drunken fool, pulling away from him, reaching my tongue out, languidly, for the very last drop.

Thorin fell into be beside me, and rolled me into his arms, where I sprawled across his chest like I had no bones in my body.

“By all the gods, girl, where did yer learn to fuck like that? You, who’ve only laid with a half-savage Dwobbit? I’ve had women who men of all the races paid fortunes for, spending those fortunes to get me into their beds. And you’re just as good as the best of them, and better than most. Now I’ll have to keep you in my household, burglar, even when I am fat and old and grey. Though I’m an old man, I never knew how I wanted to die. Now I do. Fucking you into a screaming, wild-haired state of satisfaction. You’re my burglar, now, Little Miss Took.” He panted.

“Oh, you had me, Thorin, make no mistake. And you’ve got me, now. But I’ve had you, too, Your Majesty, I have.”

It made more sense to me, when I said it.

“Maybe I should turn down the oil lamps.” I suggested.

“You should not!  Why? Does the sight of me frighten you?” Thorin joked.

“It does something to me, Thorin, but scaring me isn’t it.” I admitted.

I had never seen, never imagined a man who could look so, well, like a man.

“And the sight of your body does the same for me, my  Bella. Not in all Arda is there a woman so fine and hot as a Took, and not among any of them has there been your equal.”

“Even if you are a nasty bastard to me, in the morning, Thorin, I’ll always be glad you said that.”

“I can’t help it. Bella, I am a miserable old bastard. But I will not be cold to you, and act as though we are strangers. Can you forgive me, or will you at least, tolerate me?”

“Honestly, Thorin, as long as you are not rude, distant and cold, I rather like your being a bastard. And a magnificent bastard, at that.”

“You’re some kind of woman, Bella, my lass.”

He took me in his arms, the way he had when we had slept together, on the road, before we had become lovers, and he told me all over about his grandfather’s map.

Crowing about how he was going to be King Under the Mountain, with rings on every finger, golden armor, and mithril hoops for his ears and beads for his braids, and how he and his kin and all who were dear to them would never have to want for anything, ever again.

Thorin looked and sounded for all the world like a poor journeyman blacksmith who had toiled all his life in a forge, that is, all of his life that he wasn’t tramping along in column of soldiers, marching off to war.

When I think on Thorin, and I can remember him fondly, I remember him as Thorin Oakenshield  a Master Blacksmith, a warlord, and a Chieftain to his people.

The father of two sons, whom he loved, and wanted to give them all the advantages that he never had, just like most fathers.

That is the man that I loved, and lost.

But that night in Rivendell?

That was a fine night, the night I, Belladonna Baggins, had the Devil by his forked tail, and lived to tell the tale.                                               

We were bound together, from that day, Thorin and I, bound upon a wheel of fire.

I’m not sure if I ever really loved him, maybe I did and i just don’t want to admit it, now.

Still, in his madness, any bond between us of comradeship would soon enough be sundered.

A time would come, even, when I would hate him, with a terrible sad fury.

But the bond of our need, and our lust, and the fulfillment we found in our need and our lust would remain strong, when the rest was all in tatters.

And that would lead me back to friendship, and loyalty, and love.

Even if Thorin is dead, and I will never see him again, or even if he is alive I will never see him again.

But even so, under my anger at him and my hurt, friendship, loyalty and love remain.

Even unto the end of all things.

Now that is really something, but I did tell you.

By all the gods, Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain was one hell of a man.

But I am a Took, as well as a Baggins, and I am a hell of a woman.

                                                           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that certainly did take a long time, didn't it? But you and i know, O Best Beloved, how the course of burglar and blacksmith will not run smooth. And what about Kili? Will he accept, if not complete defeat, then at least, coming in second, with grace and quiet dignity? Was Thorin too hasty, or does Kili only have himself to blame? And why is Fili so quiet? Has Bella truly been bereft all this time, or has she had an understanding secret lover to mediate between the uncertain affections of a warlord and a poet? Not to mention, when Bella faces riddles in the dark, and going from the frying pan into the fire, who will she fare? Will Gollum be kinder to a lady? I don't think he would, but we can all be sure that neither the orcs not the goblins will be.


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